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Elizabeth Banks to Star In Every Film
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Studio executives have completed a deal that will allow actress Elizabeth Banks to appear in every single film until 2010. Banks currently stars in only 60% of feature films released in the U.S.
"We've been working up to this point for the last couple years," said Warner Bros. Vice-President Taylor Wains. "(Banks) is a cute girl and a decent actress and has a wide appeal. A wide enough appeal that we are going to make sure she is in every single movie made over the next couple years. That way, people don't have to get to know new people. It's all about familiarity. American's hate new things."
Banks herself is excited by the news but is also concerned about the workload.
"I love making movies but being in all of them? Damn. That is gonna be rough," said Banks. "I'm in about half of the movies made right now and I suppose I have a little bit of free time so I could be in a coupe more. But maybe I'll just show up here and there in like a cameo or something. Whatever. At least I'm making a shitload of money so when everyone gets sick of me I can retire."
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Father and Son Sex Talk Awkward
AUSTIN, TX - In one of the most awkward moments of either of their lives, Deston Laremy and his father, Walt Laremy, discussed sex.
"I never, ever want to do that again," said Deston Laremy. "I know what sex is. I have the internet. Dad telling me what sex was just weird. He told me that he got Chlamydia from my mom when he was my age. I'm 14. That's fucked up."
The discussion lasted only 26 minutes but both father and son say that it seemed much longer.
"That sucked," said Walt Laremy. "I know you are supposed to talk about sex with your kids but that sucked. I can't even remember what sex is. My wife won't let me anywhere near her vagina. Luckily Deston gave me a list of some good websites."
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