WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump is demanding that the training wheels be removed from his bicycle as he is “a big boy that can ride a bike like a big boy.”

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – As smartphones have become an increasingly important part of our lives some experts are growing concerned we may be developing an addicted to our phones.

DURANGO, CO – The Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory spokesbear, Truffles, has announced that she has been diagnosed with diabetes due to a decades-long diet comprised almost exclusively of chocolate.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Donald Trump asked the State Department to reach out to a Nigerian prince who had emailed and promised to send Trump several thousand dollars.

DALLAS, TX – Local father John Mansinni is slowly coming to terms with the fact that his son, John Jr, is a terrible athlete.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Cirque Du Soleil will be debuting a new show based on the life and music of GG Allin this month. The new show, Cirque Du Soleil: Eat My Fuc, is named after one of Allin’s earliest releases.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has proposed simplifying the United States of America flag to one red, one blue and one red stripe.

“Our flag, I love it, I really do, but it could use a makeover,” said Trump. “I don’t like things that are more than 18-years-old and the flag, it’s up there.”

BOISE, ID – The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has started offering a new driver service, similar to Uber and Lyft, aimed specifically at people planning to drink large amounts of alcohol.

TOKYO, JAPAN – The last known Tamagotchi in captivity has died.

According to staff at a Shinryōsho Sūpā Dejitaru animal rehabilitation center in Tokyo, the Tamagotchi, Omaru, died peacefully in its sleep last week.

SANTIAGO, CHILE – Archaeologists working outside of Santiago have discovered what they believe is the first known instance of a “dick pic.”