Americans Moving to Areas Likely Targeted During Nuclear War

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – According to recent census data, Americans are flocking to large cities, specifically ones that are likely targets during a nuclear attack.

“Since the 2016 election, we’ve seen a sharp increase in people moving to cities that would be targeted first in a nuclear attack,” said U.S. Census Bureau representative, Kelly Zhou. “Cities like Los Angeles, New York, Washington D.C., Seattle – those cities are seeing a huge influx of people hoping to die right away when we end up in a nuclear war.”


Trump Signs Executive Order Changing Link’s Name to Zelda

WASHINGTON, DC – President Donald Trump signed an executive order this week renaming the central character in The Legends of Zelda video game.


This Million Dollar Baby Fan Theory Changes Everything

LOS ANGELES, CA – The internet is abuzz with a new fan theory that will change the way you see the classic film Million Dollar Baby.


Trump Staring at Paused TV for Over Three Hours

WASHINGTON, DC – President Donald Trump has been sitting in bed, starring at a paused image of the television show “Fox and Friends” for three hours, waiting for the program to continue.

“(Trump) has no idea that the TV is paused. He’s just sitting there watching it, waiting for the people to continue talking,” said head of Trump’s Secret Service detail, Ken Posher. “God, it’s been over three hours now and Trump is just sitting there, in his bed, with his fucking hamburgers, starring at his TV that is paused. Three fucking hours now. Every day we are reminded that Trump is a dumb, dumb man. Historically dumb.”


Man Sues for Invitation to 12-Year-Old Girl’s Sleepover

OMAHA, NB – Local man Dean Waters, 27, is suing 10-year-old Lara Schriber for gender discrimination because Waters was not invited to Schriber’s “girls only” sleepover.


Researchers Studying Soccer Players’ Injury Recovery

COLUMBUS, OH – Researchers at the Cleveland Clinic are studying soccer players around the world for their unique ability to recover quickly from injury.


Trump Demanding Sucker after Doctor Visit

WASHINGTON, DC – Sitting on the floor outside the office of the White House Physician, President Donald Trump is refusing to get up and leave until he is given a sucker.

“Right now I can confirm that the President, the most smartest man in the world, and who I thank every day for giving me this opportunity to work for him, he is sitting on the floor outside of the White House Physician’s office, after a very successful visit where the President was given the best health grade possible, um… where was I? Oh yeah, the President is sitting on the floor outside of the physician’s office crying and demanding a sucker,” said White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders.


Experts Offer Ten Ideas for the Perfect Valentine’s Day

DALLAS, TX – The Valentine’s Day holiday can cause panic and anxiety for those looking for something original, exciting and romantic to do with their loved one.


Physicians Giving Surgeries Happier Sounding Names

WASHINGTON, DC – Several phsyicians have proposed a sweeping review of all medical procedure names with the possibility of renaming those procedures to “something a little happier.”


Trump Still Waiting for Stairs to Start Moving

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has been standing at the bottom of a staircase in the White House waiting for the stairs to start moving thinking the staircase is an escalator.

“Right now we can confirm that the President is standing at the bottom of a staircase in the east wing of the White House waiting for the staircase to turn in to an escalator and carry him to the second floor,” said White House Fellow, Ken Destrost.


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