WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has proposed simplifying the United States of America flag to one red, one blue and one red stripe.

“Our flag, I love it, I really do, but it could use a makeover,” said Trump. “I don’t like things that are more than 18-years-old and the flag, it’s up there.”

BOISE, ID – The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has started offering a new driver service, similar to Uber and Lyft, aimed specifically at people planning to drink large amounts of alcohol.

TOKYO, JAPAN – The last known Tamagotchi in captivity has died.

According to staff at a Shinryōsho Sūpā Dejitaru animal rehabilitation center in Tokyo, the Tamagotchi, Omaru, died peacefully in its sleep last week.

SANTIAGO, CHILE – Archaeologists working outside of Santiago have discovered what they believe is the first known instance of a “dick pic.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Fresh from a visit to London, President Donald Trump made the surprise announcement that the United States will export gasoline to England as he was made aware England uses petrol rather than gasoline.

DENVER, CO – After recent snowstorms wreaked havoc in cities across the country, God has apologized saying he made the decision to create the winter storms after “half listening to some eight-year-old’s prayer.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump says that he did not steal cookies from the cookie jar and he refuses to acknowledge that he currently has crumbs all over his face and desk.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Late last week Elon Musk called in to a radio program to announce that he has invented a new sandwich that will “revolutionize sandwich technology for generations.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – If ratings don’t improve network executives say they may be forced to cancel The Donald Trump Presidency.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to reports, White House staff has removed all clocks that mark the turn of the hour with a sound from White House grounds because President Donald Trump gets confused by the sound, asks “who’s there?”, and remains motionless until someone responds.