Father Unwilling to Accept Son is Terrible at Sports

DALLAS, TX – Local father John Mansinni is slowly coming to terms with the fact that his son, John Jr, is a terrible athlete.


Cirque Du Soleil Unveils New GG Allin Inspired Show

LOS ANGELES, CA – Cirque Du Soleil will be debuting a new show based on the life and music of GG Allin this month. The new show, Cirque Du Soleil: Eat My Fuc, is named after one of Allin’s earliest releases.


Trump Announces New Flag Design; One Red, One White, One Blue Stripe

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has proposed simplifying the United States of America flag to one red, one blue and one red stripe.

“Our flag, I love it, I really do, but it could use a makeover,” said Trump. “I don’t like things that are more than 18-years-old and the flag, it’s up there.”


Mormon Church Unveils Transportation Service for Party Goers

BOISE, ID – The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has started offering a new driver service, similar to Uber and Lyft, aimed specifically at people planning to drink large amounts of alcohol.


Last Known Tamagotchi Dies, Species Believe to be Extinct

TOKYO, JAPAN – The last known Tamagotchi in captivity has died.

According to staff at a Shinryōsho Sūpā Dejitaru animal rehabilitation center in Tokyo, the Tamagotchi, Omaru, died peacefully in its sleep last week.


Archaeologists Discover First-Known Dick Pic

SANTIAGO, CHILE – Archaeologists working outside of Santiago have discovered what they believe is the first known instance of a “dick pic.”


Unaware Petrol is Gasoline Trump Plans to Export Gas to England

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Fresh from a visit to London, President Donald Trump made the surprise announcement that the United States will export gasoline to England as he was made aware England uses petrol rather than gasoline.


God Admits Nation-wide Snow Storm a Result of Not Listening to Prayer Details

DENVER, CO – After recent snowstorms wreaked havoc in cities across the country, God has apologized saying he made the decision to create the winter storms after “half listening to some eight-year-old’s prayer.”


Trump Denies Eating Cookies Despite Crumbs, Chocolate on his Face

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump says that he did not steal cookies from the cookie jar and he refuses to acknowledge that he currently has crumbs all over his face and desk.


Elon Musk Gets High, Invents New Sandwich

LOS ANGELES, CA – Late last week Elon Musk called in to a radio program to announce that he has invented a new sandwich that will “revolutionize sandwich technology for generations.”


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