China Thinking About Taking Over The World

BEIJING, CHINA – After several years of working through scenarios, China says it is strongly considering taking over the world in the next five to 10 years.
“We rook at evy-ting and we rearize tat (China) have evy-ting we need to take over word,” said Ma Zhaoxu, a spokesman for China’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs. “So maybe (China) just do it. Maybe we just take over word. Who stop us? America can not stop us now.”


Backstreet Boys Manager Searches For "Next Elian"

MIAMI, FL – Backstreet Boys and N’SYNC manager Louis Pearlman announced his plans to travel to Cuba to “Discover the next Elian.”


Trump Passes Note to World Leaders Asking "Will U Go 2 War with Me?"

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump was seen passing notes stating “will u go 2 war with me?” to other world leaders during a recent global economic summit.


Country Music Reveals It Is True Force Behind War

NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE – Conspiracy theorists across the globe were redeemed this week as it was revealed that the true man behind the war in Iraq is not George W. Bush but rather Charlie Anderson, President of the Country Music Association.


New Warning System Alerts Americans To Skank Level

WASINGTON, DC – The Department of Health and Human Services has issued a statement and simultaneously released a new warning system to track threats posed by skanks. The new system comes just weeks before the spring skank increase experienced annually in America’s warmer climates.


Democrats May Have Possibly Developed A Platform - Maybe

WASHHINGTON, D.C. – Almost a year after suffering tremendous losses in both state and federal government seats, the Democratic Party announced that it might have just maybe figured out a possible platform. Possibly.


Putin Waiting Until Christmas to Open Trump’s Present

MOSCOW, RUSSIA – Russian President Vladimir Putin says he is excited but still waiting until Christmas Day before opening his gift from United States President Elect Donald Trump.


NRA Releases New Plan for School Safety

FAIRFAX, VA – After receiving tremendous backlash to its response to the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting late last year, the National Rifle Association has released a new response suggesting that each school in the country should deploy robotic sentry guards.

“We realize that our comments after the Sandy Hook tragedy were not very popular and made (the NRA) look like horrible monsters but that’s not who the NRA is. The NRA cares about guns and people. Not just guns. But mostly guns.”


Lindsay Lohan's Tits Signed To Star In New Fox Film

HOLLYWOOD, CA – In a deal reportedly worth more than 20 million, both of Lindsay Lohan’s breasts have been signed to star in a big screen adaptation of the TV show “Cagney and Lacey.”


Boy Scouts Retire Two Difficult Merit Badges

IRVING, TEXAS – The Boy Scouts of America have retired two merit badges the organization has deemed “impossible to obtain.” The badges to be removed from availability are the Talking to Girls and Popular merit badges.


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