Published February 2009
PORTLAND, OR – According to a new survey conducted by Time magazine, the top resolution for 2009 is to stop masturbating. The survey, conducted over three months, interviewed close to a million people.
Published January 2000
MESA, AZ – Jason Odenbaum’s phenomenal performance at the 1999 Special Olympics, was tarnished this week as controversy surrounded his abilities and performance. The families of several other competitors in the competition have come forward to form an inquiry into Odenbaum’s gold medals.
Published December 2014
This year, instead of making resolutions that are bound to fail, I’ve put together some life hacks that are easy to stick to and will make you a better person.
Published November 2011
TUCSON, AZ – The lack of an iPad gift this year has proved to local seven-year-old Gracie Martinez that Jesus doesn’t exist and that there is no such thing as god.
Published September 2017
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – With the job market becoming increasingly competitive, being a good employee that works hard and works efficiently is more important than ever.
Published April 2012
DALLAS, TX – Bullies across the United States have banded together to call for an end to the call for the end of bullying.
Published April 2008
MANCHESTER, NH – According to employees at Delwitt Chemical, the guy in the corner cubical on the second floor is a total dick.
Published June 2017
HOLLYWOOD, CA – Actress Jennifer Lawrence has asked every male on the planet Earth to remove her name from their individual bucket lists.
Published January 2003
RICHMOND, VA – During a conversation held near the coffee maker, Joan Diaz’s coworker Melissa Krawski revealed that she had once engaged in a three-way sexual encounter with a midget and a pre-operation transsexual. Diaz reportedly tried to steer the conversation away from talk of the threesome but the attempt proved futile.
Published December 2005
SPACE, TIME – Earlier this week Father Time responded to reports that he has fathered at least 12 illegitimate children with nine different mothers over the last quarter century by saying simply “Hell no, I ain’t their daddy.”