Chrysler Unveils New Sports Car For Men Called Mid-Life Chrysler

DETROIT, MI – In an effort to corner the market on a key demographic, Chrysler has announced the release of a new line of cars for middle-aged men, currently being called the Mid-Life Chrysler.


Coworker Says “Merry Christmas” Too Aggressively

MODESTO, CA – Over the past several weeks local Christian Jerome Hopkins has been aggressively wishing co-workers a “merry Christmas,” regardless of his coworkers’ actual religious beliefs.


Local Man Total Dick Since Getting iPhone

TUCSON, AZ – Friends of local man Jay Ralllan have committed to no longer inviting him to any social event or gathering until he learns to put down his fucking phone.


Libby Considering First Prison Tattoo

WASHINGTON, D.C. – While waiting for a ruling on his appeals, I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby has been busy in his free time reviewing images for his first prison tattoo.


Snowstorm Forces Man to Reevaluate His Relationship

EUGENE, OR – A recent snowstorm has forced a local man to think about how much he really like the woman he is currently dating.


Senate Looking to Pass Health Care Bill Written on Napkin

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Senate Republicans are trying to push through a new heath care bill that was written earlier today on a bar napkin.


Pimps Unveil Economic Stimulus Plan

WILMINGTON, DE – In an effort to help the economy, prostitutes all over the United States have revealed their own stimulus package.


Nephews Looking for a Place to Crash for SXSW

AUSTIN, TX – The nephews of all Austin residents called earlier asking if there was any place they could crash this weekend because their bands are playing behind the Safeway as part of the South by Southwest Music Festival (SXSW).


Wendy's Customer Not Funny

SPOKANE, WA – Wendy’s employees do not think customer Kirk Johnson is as funny as Johnson himself thinks he is. After Johnson attempted to order a “heart attack with a side of bypass,” Wendy’s cashier Wanda Broduer remained unamused.


McCain Promises To Make New Oil Reserves If Elected

DES MOINES, IA – During a speech given to local farm workers, Republican Presidential Nominee John McCain laid out his plan for combating rising fuel costs. The main focus of McCain’s plan is to create more fossil fuels by burying various forms of organic material and waiting “til the magic happens.”


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