Local teen captures "Da Man, 1999" title in upset

MARTINVILLE, UT – It was a shocking move that racked the once quiet city of Martinville. A decision ending one career and beginning another.


Special Olympics Champion Marred By Controversy

MESA, AZ – Jason Odenbaum’s phenomenal performance at the 1999 Special Olympics, was tarnished this week as controversy surrounded his abilities and performance. The families of several other competitors in the competition have come forward to form an inquiry into Odenbaum’s gold medals.


Players Suing NFL for Concussions and… uh…

CANTON, OH – Several former NFL stars gathered during a press conference earlier this week to announce a new lawsuit against the NFL “because… um… the concussions… and…”

“Players in the NFL face a very real threat to their health due to the NFL’s policies and practices regarding player safety,” said former Dallas Cowboys star running back, Emmitt Smith. “Players who take numerous… um… hits… and… uh… yeah. We… um.”


Alex Rodriguez Buys Vermont

MONTPELIER, VT – Alex Rodriguez, all-star shortstop and who recently signed a lucrative $252 million contract with the Texas Rangers, has agreed to purchase the state of Vermont for approximately $75 million in cash and 11 autographed baseballs.


Resolutions Made in Vain

HIGHLANDS RANCH, CO – For the fifth year in a row, Jim and Rhonda Barber compiled a list of New Year’s Resolutions which, despite the couple’s best efforts, will most likely not be kept. The ritual, performed December 31, has been carried out by the couple every year since their marriage in 1993 and no resolutions have ever lasted the entire year.


Local Man Already Regretting His Twitter Username

FREDERICK, MD – Last month Treddle signed up for Twitter with the username FuckRogers6969696 and came to regret the decision almost immediately.


Local Man Pulls Life Support From Wife in Pinterest Coma

BISMARCK, ND – After months of debating, soul searching and consulting with family members, local man Dean Weebers has decided to pull his wife, who is in a Pinterest coma, of life support.


Local Internet Video Stars Really Wants To Direct

SAN BERNIDINO, CA – The star of a popular viral video says that while he is happy with his recent success as an internet star, he would really like to turn his attention to directing.


Local Man Looks To Connect With Son Through Rock Band

OMAHA, NE – Local father Steve Holt has taken drastic measures to reconnect with his high school son, Brenden, by listening to and trying to appreciate the band My Chemical Romance.


American Moving to Greenland for Chance at Olympic Gold

TULSA, OK – In preparation for the 2016 Olympics, local Walt Brerger has declared that he will be moving to Greenland to complete for the country in the beach volleyball event.


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