Published November 2015
NORTH POLE – After a year in which there was only one “nice” child, Santa Claus says he will officially retire from delivering toys to children on Christmas Eve.
Published October 2015
WASHINGTON, DC – During his historic visit to the United States of America last month, the Pope was unable to meet one of his primary goals of the trip – see a football game in all 30 NFL stadiums.
The distance between the stadiums and the fact that most games are played on Sunday contributed to the Pope not reaching his goal.
“Much like God, I am a fan of the American football,” Pope Francis said.
Published September 2014
CANTON, OH – Several former NFL stars gathered during a press conference earlier this week to announce a new lawsuit against the NFL “because… um… the concussions… and…”
“Players in the NFL face a very real threat to their health due to the NFL’s policies and practices regarding player safety,” said former Dallas Cowboys star running back, Emmitt Smith. “Players who take numerous… um… hits… and… uh… yeah. We… um.”
Published April 2014
NEW YORK, NY – The NFL is adopting new rules and working with the NFL Players Association to help players adapt to having an openly gay teammate.
“Our main focus is to make sure everyone is comfortable as we welcome the first openly gay player,” said Eric Winston, President of the NFLPA. “And by ‘everyone’ we mean fans, players, advertisers, coaches, even the cheerleaders. Because, let’s face it, there are some real pieces of shit that play and watch football.”
Published January 2014
WASHINGTON, DC – The National Security Agency has stopped collecting American’s data after completely filling over 10,000 servers with “selfies.”
“As of last week, the NSA is no longer able to collect data due to the very large number of selfies that currently reside on the servers,” said NSA Director, Shawn Nossen.
Published September 2013
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Almost 30 years after the release of Crack Cocaine, the Central Intelligence Agency is releasing an updated, diet version of the popular drug.
According to a spokesman at the CIA, the new diet Crack cocaine will be marketed under the name DCrack and will follow a similar marketing strategy as the current Crack, which will now be marketed as Original Crack.
Published April 2013
NEW YORK, NY – As Tim Tebow’s NFL career looks to be in jeopardy, one time fan Jesus Christ has begun distancing himself from the football player.
Published February 2013
NEW YORK, NY – Shortly after a list of MC Hammer’s 10 best songs that start with the letter ‘K’ was posted on a blog, all entertainment websites announced they would cease operations and shut down.
Published July 2012
WASHINGTON, DC – After two years of informal classification and diagnosis, the American Psychiatric Association has added a new mental disorder to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – White Male Panic, or WhiMP.
“Let’s face facts, white men are going crazy, in the clinical sense, all over this country,” said APA President Suzanne Bennett Johnson, PhD.
Published November 2011
NEWARK, DE – Several employees of CPTB Industries have described the Christmas decorations in a co-workers cubicle as “a little over the top.”