Bullies Joining Forces to Stop The Bullying of Bullies

DALLAS, TX – Bullies across the United States have banded together to call for an end to the call for the end of bullying.


Recent iPhone Purchase Fails to Change Local Man’s Life

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Despite expectations to the contrary, the recent purchase of an Apple iPhone has left Geoffrey Glocke’s life relatively unchanged.


Reno Called in to Settle Dave Matthews CD Dispute

BOULDER, CO – Attorney General Janet Reno worked with outside intermediaries in Boulder, Co Friday on a possible agreement that would transfer custody of the Dave Matthews Band Compact Disc from Charise Wilson to its rightful owner, James “Doppey” Rathmuseon III immediately, a Justice Department spokeswoman said.


Local Man Making Fewer Online Threats

SAN BERNADINO, CA – Blaming his new job and other social obligations, local internet user Jerod Franklin said he no longer has the time or energy to post as many violent threats per day as he did six months ago.


Trump Refuses to Admit He Forgot Combination

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has forgotten the code to his briefcase but refuses to admit it to White House staff members.

“I know the combination. I know all the combinations to everything. I am the best at remembering combinations. Everyone thinks so,” said Trump. “There is absolutely nothing going on here, it’s all fake news. All those media outlets, they think they can just make up stuff about me that’s not true and then report as fact.”


Local Man Realizes He Is A Total Douche Bag

ALLENTOWN, PA – Shortly after checking a website his friends suggested, local man, Ryan “Big Red” Centorelli, realized he is a douche bag.


U.S. Government Hosting Extensive Black Friday Sale

WASHINGTON, DC – The United States Government has announced a Black Friday sale where parts of the government will be available for purchase at sharply reduced prices.


Trump had Spinach Stuck in Teeth for Two Weeks

WASHINGTON, D.C. – For more than two weeks, President Donald Trump has had a piece of spinach stuck in his teeth and it remains unclear if he knows that it’s there.


White House Staff Forget to Plug In Pence Before Long Weekend

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Vice President Mike Pence has been sent to a maintenance shop after aides forgot to plug the Vice President in to a power source before the long holiday vacation.


New Study Finds Fat People Really Enjoy Eating Food

BOSTON, MA – After an exhaustive five year study, a research team from Harvard University has been able to prove a link exists between overweight people and an “insane love for food.”


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