Published January 2001
HARRISBURG, PA – A study, conducted by University of Virginia professor Alan Lamansky, has concluded that Gary Valderito of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania is indeed “stupid” under the rules and standards governed by the scientific method. The study, funded by a grant from the Society of Talented and Gifted Elitists of America, contained scientific validation, and numerous accounts of stupidity and idiocy as cited by friends, co-workers and neighbors.
Published May 2001
INDIANAPOLIS, IN – Associates of Wilson McMichaels have put the openly gay Chili’s waiter on notice for failure to meet “funny-flaming-gay-man” expectations. The notice, issued late last week, is stated to be a result of McMichaels decidedly “non-gay” appearance and personality.
Published January 2003
BATON ROUGE, LA – In a study released last week, the New England Journal of Medicine revealed that women would be capable of accomplishing more both in the home and in the office if they only “kept their mouths shut.”
Published August 2004
BAGHDAD, IRAQ – The new governing council of Iraq voted unanimously Tuesday to elect a new Prime Minister: former World Wrestling Federation champion Iron Sheik. The decision came as a shock to many but remains consistent with Iraq’s new “get tougher on terrorism” campaign.
Published June 2008
KABOL, AFGHANASTAN – Those closest to him are reporting that Al-Qaeda founder Osama bin Laden may be retiring from terrorism at the end of the year. Over the past couple years, bin Laden has expressed growing interest in pursuing other hobbies and possibly opening his own coffee shop in the mountains of Pakistan.
Published February 2009
TEMPE, AZ – In a single day, the record for lost virginity in a 24 hour period was shattered at Arizona State University.
Published August 2010
HOLLYWOOD, CA – Vampire Americans, upset with the way vampires have been portrayed in the media, are calling for a boycott of all vampire movies, books and TV shows released now and in the future as well as anything released in the last five years.
Published September 2010
VIRGINIA BEACH – VA – Leaders of the Tea Party movement have announced that they are continuing to pretend that they dislike President Obama purely on political terms.
Published December 2012
WASHINGTON, DC – With the presidential election well in the past, most republican Christians are relieved that they can finally go back to being skeptical and suspicious of Mormons.
Published February 2015
DAMASCUS, SYRIA – After suffering a series of recent defeats, the terrorist organization known as Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) is looking to re-brand its image in hopes of bringing in new recruits.
According to senior ISIS leaders, recruitment of new members has slowed as the population of men between the ages of 16 and 25 has been depleted.