Hell Enlists Marketing Firm To Update Image

HELL – In an attempt to improve its image and promote a happier atmosphere, Hell has hired a new marketing firm and image consultant. Blake, Stein and Wills Marketing will take over all public relations and advertising for the underworld getaway in an effort to “bring back the luster and mystique that Hades deserves.”


Last Known Tamagotchi Dies, Species Believe to be Extinct

TOKYO, JAPAN – The last known Tamagotchi in captivity has died.

According to staff at a Shinryōsho Sūpā Dejitaru animal rehabilitation center in Tokyo, the Tamagotchi, Omaru, died peacefully in its sleep last week.


Mormon Church Unveils Transportation Service for Party Goers

BOISE, ID – The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has started offering a new driver service, similar to Uber and Lyft, aimed specifically at people planning to drink large amounts of alcohol.


Bush Vows To Improve Nations Cafeteria Food

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With a war in Iraq on the horizon and his approval ratings sinking, President George W. Bush addressed the nation in hopes of gaining more support. During the speech Bush made several promises and pledges to the American public.


GI Joe Video Cassettes, Maps Found In Afghanistan Cave

GERESK, AFGHANISTAN – A recent discovery in an abandoned cave in northern Afghanistan is causing some “uncomfortable feelings” in the White House.


Trump Announces New Flag Design; One Red, One White, One Blue Stripe

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has proposed simplifying the United States of America flag to one red, one blue and one red stripe.

“Our flag, I love it, I really do, but it could use a makeover,” said Trump. “I don’t like things that are more than 18-years-old and the flag, it’s up there.”


SARS More Deadly, Contagious Than Cooties, Pac-Man Fever

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND- The World Health Organization announced Friday that the SARS virus is now the most contagious disease in recorded history. At the time the announcement was made, Cooties was classified as the most contagious followed closely by Pac-Man Fever.


Smokey The Bear In Custody

PORTLAND, OR – The hunt for one of America’s most well known bears came to an end last Thursday after a stand off that lasted nearly 10 hours. For the last three weeks, the combined forces of the Federal Bureau of Investigation and Forest Service have searched nationwide for Smokey the Bear. Smokey is accused of setting forest fires in Arizona, Utah and Oregon.


FDA Recalls Second 'Mmm' From Campbell's Soup

RENTON, VA – Ending several weeks of speculation, the Food and Drug Administration announced that it was recalling one of the “mmm’s” from the famous Campbell’s soup slogan. Campbell’s soup, previously marketed as “mmm – mmm, good,” was forced to remove the second “mmm,” reportedly due to the reduction in the soups quality over the past five years and an increase in the quality of competing brands.


Gas Companies Submit To Hippie Pressure, Lower Prices

BERKLEY, CA – Three major gasoline companies gave in to pressure from local protestors this week and lowered gas prices by 15 cents. This marks the first time that gas companies have ever reduced the price of gas because of protests.


Back to Top