Aliens to Phase Out Abductions, Probings

NEW YORK CITY, NY – In an announcement made from the steps of the United Nations building, representatives of seven alien races have stated that they have put an immediate stop to all human abductions and anal probing. The proclamation is the result of recent allegations that the aliens have in fact learned everything they can about the human body and the intricacies of the human digestive tract.


Aliens: "Not About Sex"

WILMINGTON, WY – After years of searching and mass speculation centering around extraterrestrial visitors to earth, a race of alien beings has revealed themselves for the first time at the Wilmington Ramada Inn.


Parents Confused by Child’s Resemblance to Neighbor

ELKTON, MD – A local couple says they are confused by their child’s resemblance to their next door neighbor.


Local Black Man Sick of Explaining He Doesn’t Like Rap

SEATTLE, WA – Russell Fischer, a 28-year-old black man from Olympia, says he is tired of explaining why he does not like rap music even though he is, in fact, a black man.


Retailers Release List of Season’s Top Toys

NEW YORK CITY, NY – As the holiday season approaches, several top toy retailers have released a combined list of this year’s top, must-have toys to help parents ensure their children get everything they should want and that the children will be popular amongst other children.

“This list is something (retailers) do every year as a service to parents,” said Toys R Us spokeswoman Carol Hall.


Israel Ready to Deploy Woody Allen Clone Strike Force

NORTHERN ISRAEL – With the war between Hezbollah and Israel stretching into another month of intense fighting, the Israel Defense Force is set to deploy a secret weapon – a highly trained strike force of Woody Allen clones.


Trump Confused Why He Can’t Pardon Hamburgler

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump is confused as to why his repeated attempts to pardon The Hamburgler have been met with resistance.


Computer Guy Ready To Save World With Batch File

OMAHA, NE – Sitting in his cubicle, Desktop Information Technology employee Garret Cutler dreams of, and is preparing for, the day when he will be called upon to save the world with his batch file writing skills.


Confirmed: Jesus Christ Converts To Scientology

LOS ANGELES, CA – Friends and family of Jesus Christ are confirming recent internet reports that the Christian icon has converted to Scientology. The shift in religious philosophy has come as a shock to Christians all over the world.


Heavens Gate Members Contact Earth From Starship

VORGON 9 – Just over five years ago, a rag tag group of misfits with ideas of UFO’s and castration took the United States by storm, but then seemingly vanished into thin air shortly after their bodies were found after what appeared to be a mass suicide. But Tuesday, in an announcement broadcast from beyond our solar system and picked up via satellite TV, members of the Heavens Gate cult announced that they finally reached the spaceship and are in fact not dead.


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