To save money and food, restaurants will soon begin serving meals to children that have already been half eaten.

Restaurants to Server Half Eaten Meals to Children

LOS ANGELES, CA – Beginning this month, several prominent restaurant chains will begin serving children meals that come half-eaten.


Apple has removed the Measure app from iPhones and iPads after complaints of inaccuracy.

Apple Pulls Measure App After Men Complain About Penis Size

CUPERTINO, CA – Apple has pulled its new Measure app from iPhones and iPads after thousands of men complain the app does not accurately measure the length of their penises.


After Long Winter, Dow Jones Plans to Get High

MANCHESTER, NH –William “Dow” Jones announced that he is coming out of a month’s long depression and plans to “get really, really high” soon.


Several companies have filed lawsuits against Santa Claus claiming patent infringement.

Companies File Patent Lawsuit Against Santa

NORTH POLE – Several companies, including Apple and Mattel, have filed patent infringement lawsuits against Santa Claus.

The lawsuits claim that Claus is manufacturing and distributing toys that violate a number of patents. One toy cited in the lawsuit, Claus’s sPad, looks and functions very similar to Apple’s iPad.


Google will soon release Google Throb cock ring.

Google Set to Release New Cock Ring: Google ThrOb

MENLO PARK, CA – Just a few short weeks after expanding the test field for its highly anticipated GoogleGlass, Google released details of its next big innovation – the upcoming cock ring including details, price and sale date.


The CIA is readying the release of a new, diet version of the popular drug Crack.

CIA Ready to Release New Diet Crack

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Almost 30 years after the release of Crack Cocaine, the Central Intelligence Agency is releasing an updated, diet version of the popular drug.

According to a spokesman at the CIA, the new diet Crack cocaine will be marketed under the name DCrack and will follow a similar marketing strategy as the current Crack, which will now be marketed as Original Crack.


Local Teen to “Take A Year Off” After High School

WAYNESVILLE, IN – Local high school student, Roy Garfield, told his family that after graduation he will not be going to college in the fall and that he plans on just “taking a year off and just relaxing.”


Microsoft Says Congress Wants to Ban Phones

SEATTLE, WA – Spokespeople for Microsoft have begun telling customers that the United States government will soon prohibit the sales of Microsoft Windows phones so customers should stock up on the phones now, while they are still available.

“The government is gonna come in to our homes and take away our Microsoft Windows phones!” said Microsoft employee Racheal Gregor.


Anti-iPhone Sentiment Prematurely Ends Relationship

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – The budding romantic relationship between Eddie Freirs and Rebecca Staller ended abruptly last week after Staller revealed her feelings about the iPhone.


iPhone, User Combine to Form First iBorg

CUPERTINO, CA – Apple executives have confirmed that an iPhone has finally integrated itself with a human. iPhone and human integration is an unannounced feature that comes with the recently released iPhone 4S.

The integration feature, named iBorg, was used for the first time by James Maddow last week when he inadvertently hit the home button five consecutive times.


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