Arizona Will Open Camps to Sort Illegal, Legal Hispanics

GLENDALE, AZ – The state legislature of Arizona has authorized opening several camps where officials will be able to distinguish which Hispanic-looking people are here illegally.


Howard Dean and Staff Revamp Democratic Primary Strategy

LEBANON, NH – After suffering a string of Primary losses, Democratic Presidential candidate Gov. Howard Dean and his staff are revamping their strategy. Shifting away from an aggressive campaign, Dean and company will rely on tactics used by former, successful Presidential candidates.


University Breaks Virginity Loss Record

TEMPE, AZ – In a single day, the record for lost virginity in a 24 hour period was shattered at Arizona State University.


Research Group Confirms That Country Music Is Terrible

TUCSON, AZ – A report released last week by a research team at University of Arizona concluded that Country Music is terrible and should be avoided at all costs.


Constant "Hitting" May Cause Brain Damage

FLAGSTAFF, ARIZ. – A new study just released from Northern Arizona University reveals that repeatedly hitting oneself on the head with a heavy, solid object may in fact be harmful to ones health.


Coworkers Saddened by Discovery of Tattoo

PHOENIX, AZ – Coworkers of Jorge Nunez were amazed to find out that the fine, upstanding young man had at least one tattoo.


Native American Sues England

SNOWFLAKE, AZ – After seven months of intense preparation and careful planning, Daniel Short-Tree, a member of the White Mountain Apache Indian Tribe in Arizona, has filled a lawsuit against the country of England. The suit, witch seeks $2,000,000,000 in punitive damages, accuses England of inflicting undue hardship and emotional distress upon Short-Tree and his family. Among the causes of Short-Tree’s alleged distress is England’s persecution of the Puritans, causing the religious group to immigrate to the Americas “thus beginning the end to Short-Tree’s family claim on the land.”


Wisconsin Passes New, Indentured Labor Laws

MADISON, WI – The Wisconsin State Legislature has passed new laws that Governor Scott Walker says will “make the Wisconsin work force more attractive to companies.” The laws will allow companies to pay workers in credit, charge for the use of equipment, and allow companies to chain workers to workstations.

“We’ve ensured that every company will have employees that are… forced to work for them” said Senator Lena Taylor.


Cleveland Indians Change Mascot to Man from India

CLEVELAND, OH – Responding to political pressure, the Cleveland Indians baseball team has changed its mascot from a Native American to a man from India.


Couple Completes Change to Upper-Middle Class

CHERRY HILLS, CO – With the purchase of a new Ford Expedition, Dirk and Shelley Benson have now solidified their position in Upper-Middleclass America. The purchase, the last in a series, finally completes the year long transformation from their previous status of Middleclass.


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