Local Woman Makes National Tragedy All About Her

GREEN BAY, WI – A local woman told coworkers that she is lucky to be alive as she had considered running a marathon and that marathon could have been the marathon in Boston that suffered a terrorist attack.


New Report Concludes Most of the Irish Population Are Alcoholic

BOSTON, MA – A recent sociological study out of the Harvard University has concluded that 83% percent of Irish people are alcoholics.


Breakthrough: 4:20 Not Best Time to Get High

BOSTON, MA – Researchers from the biology department of Boston College have released the results of an exhaustive experiment on the effect marijuana has on the human body and mind. The experiment, conducted from May 1994 to December 2000, was the largest such experiment of its kind, and the results have the conductors very excited.


Inspirational Film Fails To Inspire

DENVER, CO – Despite the viewing of 220 “inspirational” films where the underdogs become victorious, The Colorado Rockies lost the World Series in four straight games to the much better Boston Red Sox.


NASCAR Party Ends After First Lap

BOSTON, MA – A party held to watch a NASCAR event ended after only 15 minutes when beer ran out and party goers realized the sport amounted to nothing more than driving in a circle.


House Cats Have Begun Stealing Human Souls

BOSTON, MA – House cats have begun stealing human souls as part of the final phase of their plan to conquer Earth.


Jesus Christ Distancing Himself From Tim Tebow

NEW YORK, NY – As Tim Tebow’s NFL career looks to be in jeopardy, one time fan Jesus Christ has begun distancing himself from the football player.


Tragedy Overwhelms Kennedy Family

BOSTON, MA – It seems that when tragedy strikes, it usually hits the way the Mob does, slow and painful, like a gun shot up the rectum. This week, the nation mourns the death of yet another Kennedy family member. Milton C. Winestien-Kennedy has died at the age of 48. A wife, Bunny Winestien-Kennedy, and two children, son Harvey and daughter Allia survive him.


Climate Change Denier Really Just Mad At Someone

BOSTON, MA – The single scientist who does not agree with the theory of global warming has admitted the only reason for his dissenting opinion is because he is mad at someone.


Man Decides To Get Serious About "Chicks"

BOSTON, MA – After years of playing games and “messing around,” Gary Stipple has decided to get serious about relationships with members of the opposite sex. The decision was said to be a long and arduous one, with Stipple only coming to his decision after a long talk with his mother.


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