Hot Girls to Replace Alter Boys in Catholic Mass

VATICAN CITY – In an effort to prevent further molestation of young boys by priests in the Catholic Church, the Pope has announced a change to the way mass will be conducted. Young boys will no longer participate in mass and in their place priests will use young, attractive women.

“There willa be ah no morea alter boys inna the church,” said Cardinal Antonio Cassius of Italy.


Backstreet Boys Manager Searches For "Next Elian"

MIAMI, FL – Backstreet Boys and N’SYNC manager Louis Pearlman announced his plans to travel to Cuba to “Discover the next Elian.”


VH1's "Where Are They Now" Ready To Go

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Just in time for the fall season, VH-1 has announced that two new installments of the hit show, “Where Are They Now?” will be premiering before the end of the month. The two shows, which are now in post-production, will center on two of the most beloved acts the world has known, The Backstreet Boys and Britney Spears and the horrible fall from stardom each act took.


Beth Sinclair: New Summer Fashion Is Ugly

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Well boys and girls, it’s that time of year again. The time when a young man’s thoughts turn to desire and the beautiful only get beautifuler. Yup, it’s summer, and I for one haven’t been this excited for a season sine the 1990 baseball season when that saucy Lenny Dykstra was playing for the New York Mets. Let me tell you, that summer I watched that little firecracker play while I played my own little baseball game, in my crotch! But enough about my teen years, lets get to the business at hand, and that business is summer trends.


Buchanan Kicked Off Real World: Washington D.C.

WASHINGTON D.C. – The cast of popular MTV reality show “Real World: Washington D.C.” decided Thursday to again remove one of its members. The housemates have asked fellow member Pat Buchanan to leave the house on his own or he will be kicked out.


Man Regrets Masturbating to Olympic Event

Local man Reuben Accote is said to be very confused after masturbating to an Olympic Fencing match.


Jesus Holds Essay Contest To Split Powerball Winnings

PORTLAND, OR – After winning a recent Powerball Lottery drawing worth nearly 300 million dollars, Jesus Christ has decided to give nearly two-thirds of the money away. The money will be given away as part of an essay contest held between the different Christian denominations.


U.S. Econmic Crisis 2005: Rich Can't Afford Third House

NEW YORK, NY – The current economic crisis has hit one group of Americans particularly hard as the richest one percent of the country can now barely afford a third or fourth house.


McDonald's Buys Catholicism

STERLING, VA – During a closed meeting in Vatican City last week it was decided the Catholic Church, which has recently been facing both monetary and moral trouble, will be sold in full to the worldwide fast-food chain McDonald’s.


Bush Admits Suffering From Extreme Case of Senioritis

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With less than a month left in his term as President of the United States, George W. Bush has admitted that he has “a severe case of senioritis.”


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