"U-S-A" Chant to Replace "Star Spangled Banner"

WASHINGTON D.C. – Beginning later this month, Americans will be singing a different tune. With new legislature proposed by President Bush, the current National Anthem is set to be replaced by a more patriotic and inspiring chant.


New Poll: Iraqi Teenagers Much Happier With Less Parents

BAGHDAD, Iraq – In a survey conducted last month, just under half of Iraqi teens said they are much better now with one or more less parents.


White House Lays Out President Approval Rating System

WASHINGTON D.C – With President Bush’s approval rating at an all time low, the White House unveiled a new method for acquiring the approval rating during a press conference earlier this week.


Klingons Take Control of House and Senate

WASHINGTON, DC – With faith in their government at an all time low, the American people have elected a new party to take lead of Congress – The Klingon National Assembly. This marks the first time in the history of the United States that a third party, let alone one consisting entirely of a violent alien race, has been a majority in either the House of Representatives or the Senate.


Ad Campaign Tries to Convince Gays Not To Get Married

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an effort to stop the increase of states allowing gay marriage, senior Republican Senators and Christian leaders have adopted a new tactic.


World Waits for Celebs to Comment on Flood

ATLNATA, GA – People across the country remain confused and unsure how to feel about the recent flooding in the south east as no celebrity has commented publicly on the event.

“I, I just don’t know what to think. I just saw the news and it looks really bad and stuff but what does George Clooney think about it?” said Iowa resident and occasional news reader, Glenda Herman.


Republicans Pushing Bill Allowing Dead To Vote

WASHINGTON, DC – Republican’s in Congress are scrambling to pass a new law before the upcoming presidential election that will allow dead people to vote.

If passed, the new voting law will allow a church representative of the dead to cast a vote on their behalf.

“We firmly believe that all people should vote, even people that are no longer with us. Of course I’m talking about dead people,” said Cory Gardner, Republican from Colorado.


Fox News Interrupts Lies, Conjecture with News

NEW YORK CITY, NY – Last month the Fox News channel interrupted a series of lies and conjecture to report actual, opinion-free news.

As hurricane Sandy hit the east coast late last month, Fox News broadcaster Jonathan Hunt interrupted a news story about the Obama Administrations plan to destroy the Christian church with real, honest, opinion-free news about the hurricane’s affect on cities.


Associated Press Releases News Article Templates

NEW YORK, NY – In order to expedite reporting in the internet age, the Associated Press has approved and released templates to be used for reoccurring stories.


CNN Switches Coverage from Missing Plane to Missing Bike

ATLANTA, GA – CNN has reluctantly switched their 24-hour news coverage away from the missing Malaysian Flight 370 to the developing story of a child who may or may not have lost his bicycle.


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