Trump Spent Months Planning Tick-or-Treat Route

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Trump has spent the last several weeks planning a trick-or-treat route to ensure he gets “only the best” candy on Halloween.

“Trump has made it clear that his number one priority right now is putting together a trick-or-treat route that will ensure he gets good candy, like full candy bars or really expensive candy,” said White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders.


Trump Gets Hand Stuck in Candy Jar

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has had his hand stuck in a candy jar for over two days but he is refusing help and refusing to acknowledge that his hand is stuck.


"Five-Second Rule" Wrong

COLLEGE PARK, MD – A recently concluded study is causing waves in the food industry as scientists at the University of Maryland have discovered that despite commonly held beliefs, food dropped on the floor is not free of germs, dirt or bacteria if picked up within five seconds.


Trump Staring at Paused TV for Over Three Hours

WASHINGTON, DC – President Donald Trump has been sitting in bed, starring at a paused image of the television show “Fox and Friends” for three hours, waiting for the program to continue.

“(Trump) has no idea that the TV is paused. He’s just sitting there watching it, waiting for the people to continue talking,” said head of Trump’s Secret Service detail, Ken Posher. “God, it’s been over three hours now and Trump is just sitting there, in his bed, with his fucking hamburgers, starring at his TV that is paused. Three fucking hours now. Every day we are reminded that Trump is a dumb, dumb man. Historically dumb.”


Polygamists Not Really Looking Forward to Valentines Day

COLORADO CITY, AZ – According to local reports, polygamists in the small town of Colorado City are not looking forward to the Valentines Day holiday. With several males in the town taking more than one wife, the holiday has been expensive and time consuming for these same men in years past.


Man Sues for Invitation to 12-Year-Old Girl’s Sleepover

OMAHA, NB – Local man Dean Waters, 27, is suing 10-year-old Lara Schriber for gender discrimination because Waters was not invited to Schriber’s “girls only” sleepover.


Scared Parents Plan to Make Halloween Safe

OMAHA, NB – With suburban white fear at an all-time high, parents across the country are approaching Halloween differently this year, hoping to make sure nothing bad happens to their children.

“It has never been a more dangerous time to be a white Christian,” said Gwen Stringer. “With everything that’s going on with those ISIS people, all the abductions, and the those people… I mean, the situation in Ferguson, oh and let’s not forget Ebola!”


Experts Offer Ten Ideas for the Perfect Valentine’s Day

DALLAS, TX – The Valentine’s Day holiday can cause panic and anxiety for those looking for something original, exciting and romantic to do with their loved one.


Congress Questions Heroes About Steroids

WASHINGTON, DC – Several of the nation’s most recognizable superheroes, including Superman, Batman, The Hulk and Captain America, have been called before a congressional panel investigating the use of steroids and human growth hormone in the superhero community.

Steroids allegations against the superhero community came to light last year after Robin, Batman’s protégé, was arrested after allegedly trying to buy illegal steroids.


Woman Won't Forgive Coworker for Gift Exchange Steal

SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Although several weeks have passed since the office holiday party, office administrator Carrie Hoplight, refuses to forgive coworker Jenny Matthews for stealing the gift she wanted.


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