Published July 2012
Local man Reuben Accote is said to be very confused after masturbating to an Olympic Fencing match.
Published February 2009
PALO ALTO, CA – College student Conor Daniels is in the final stages of completing his Halloween costume. A project that has taken him nine months, and several hundred dollars to finish.
Published February 2013
SIOUX FALLS, ND – Friends and family of Evan Brouwer are concerned about Brouwer’s sexuality and self image after his recent purchase of a Volkwagen Jetta.
Published May 2002
BOSTON, MA – After years of playing games and “messing around,” Gary Stipple has decided to get serious about relationships with members of the opposite sex. The decision was said to be a long and arduous one, with Stipple only coming to his decision after a long talk with his mother.
Published February 2009
DENTON, IL – Much like every year, Mike Ballard’s Halloween costume failed to get him any action. This year, dressed as an Oompa Loompa from the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie, Ballard didn’t even talk to a female he entire night.
Published January 2012
COLUMBIA, SC – A group of sociologists based out of the University of South Carolina have proved, with very large numbers, that women do not, in fact, dig scars.
Published December 2005
NEW YORK, NY – According to a recent poll, for the first time in almost 30 years losing weight is not among the top 10 New Years resolutions for Americans. The poll, conducted by People Magazine, included 750,000 Americans from all over the country, and shockingly the number one response was “Have more sex.”
Published September 2006
Washington, DC – The Senate has passed President Bush’s new domestic spying legislation which will allow the National Security Agency more freedom in gathering information – specifically from women ages 18-25.
Published August 2006
DALLAS, TX – A new product is about to hit the shelves that aims to not only clear confusion and suspicion but also serve a much needed service to men across the country. The device, the HomoDivider, will act as a beverage and snack holder while sitting between two men in public creating what the developers call a “barrier to protect the image of straight men everywhere.”
Published May 2006
TOKYO, JAPAN – Sony is putting the final touches on a new device which may revolutionize dating all over the world. The small, hand-held device, tentatively called a “Bangulator,” operates similarly as a calculator and can determine the chances of a love connection between two people.