Children Hire Lawyer To Put Water Bottle Back In Pet's Cage

TALLAHASSE, FL – Two children have retained legal council in an effort to reintroduce a water bottle into the cage of the children’s pet hamster Mr. Snugglebottoms. The parents of the two children removed the water bottle two days ago after declaring Mr. Snugglebottoms deceased.

New Stroller is 12 Feet Wide, Holds Five Children

SAN DIEGO, CA – A new stroller capable of holding up to five children is about to hit the market and industry experts say it may just revolutionize the stroller industry.

Father Time Denies Fathering 12 Illegitimate Children

SPACE, TIME – Earlier this week Father Time responded to reports that he has fathered at least 12 illegitimate children with nine different mothers over the last quarter century by saying simply “Hell no, I ain’t their daddy.”

Kids Killed, Tested for "Childhood" Disease

KETWORTH, PA – In what is being called the worst “Childhood” outbreak in United States’ history, children in Northeastern Pennsylvania are being round up by the thousands, slaughtered and tested for the debilitating disease.

With One “Nice” Kid, Santa Annouces Retirement

NORTH POLE – After a year in which there was only one “nice” child, Santa Claus says he will officially retire from delivering toys to children on Christmas Eve.

Angry Father Stops Car

SAN DIEGO, CA – After almost an hour of continuous bad behavior by his three children, Dennis Feagley, stopped his car along Interstate 10, stating that he had finally “had it up to here!”

Vacation Ready Supreme Court Issues “First Born” Ruling

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a pre-vacation ruling, the Supreme Court has issued one of its most controversial rulings, upholding Comcast’s right to demand customer’s first-born children as payment.

Scientists Isolate 'Shifting' Gene

HOUSTON, TX – Scientists at DNA Research Laboratories in Houston, TX have isolated what they believe to be the gene that causes ‘shifting’ in males. The discovery may lead to treatments and help to prevent the defect in future generations.

Local Kid Struggles to Explain Why Hanukkah is “Cool”

SAN JOSE, CA – Local Jewish boy James Kirkwood has been struggling to explain to his Christian friends why Hanukkah is better than Christmas.

"Peanuts Gang" Released

SAN JOSE, CA – After decades of imprisonment, the Peanuts gang has finally been freed. With the recent death of the group’s captor, Charles Schultz, Charlie Brown, Lucy, Linus and several others may finally return to their families. Nearly 50 years ago, the children were abducted near their school and locked away in a room located in the basement of Schultz California estate. Schultz kept them there and had them “perform” while he sketched them and turned the group’s misery and depression into one of America’s longest running comic strips.

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