Local Man Unable To Communicate Without Sports

DALLAS, TX – A local sports fan, Derrick Browdirt, has found himself unable to communicate with other males due to the cancellation of all sports and sporting events during the COVID-19 pandemic.


Trump Gives White House Staff His Christmas List Catalogs

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has given cabinet members and White House staff his “Christmas list” in the form of Sears catalogs with a number of circled items.


Local Man No Longer Feels Comfortable in His Man-Cave

SAN ANTONIO, TX – Local man Jared Waterton says that he is no longer comfortable in his football-themed man-cave.


Players Suing NFL for Concussions and… uh…

CANTON, OH – Several former NFL stars gathered during a press conference earlier this week to announce a new lawsuit against the NFL “because… um… the concussions… and…”

“Players in the NFL face a very real threat to their health due to the NFL’s policies and practices regarding player safety,” said former Dallas Cowboys star running back, Emmitt Smith. “Players who take numerous… um… hits… and… uh… yeah. We… um.”


Grandmother Just Wants One Normal Thanksgiving

CINCINNATI, OH – Local grandmother has told her family that she just wants a normal Thanksgiving Dinner this year without any “craziness.”


Local Haunted House Targets Easily Scared Soccer Moms

CINCINNATI, OH – A local warehouse is being transformed into something frightening this month for the upcoming Halloween holiday. The Suburban Scare House will open this week and while it will offer frights for all ages, one specific group is targeted with this new haunted house – white, soccer moms.


Beth Sinclair: 2005 Oscar picks

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Hello all my fervent fans, it is I, Beth Sinclair here to dish all that is fit to be dished. Wow, it seems like it has been almost forever since I got to talk to all my little children. If my memory serves me correctly, and I’m pretty sure it does, I was just a fresh faced young virgin the last time I wrote a column. Yeah right! You all should know me better than that. But seriously, I have been busy as a prostitute at a Star Trek Convention giving freebies to all the virgins who are over 30.


Cowboy Mistakenly Watches Movie Brokeback Mountain

LUBBUCK, TX – The sexuality of local man Donnie Ray Stevenson was tested earlier this week when he accidentally saw a new film about two homosexual cowboys, Brokeback Mountain.


New Homeland Security Terror Alert Scale Unveiled

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Department of Homeland Security convened late last month to reevaluate the Terror Alert Scale due to widespread confusion among the American public. At the close of the meeting a new scale had been created which its creators hope will be much easier for the general public to understand.


President Bush Details His Homeland Security Plan

WASHINGTON, DC – During his weekly radio address to the nation, President Bush unveiled his Homeland Security Plan stating that “this plan will protect Americans from shore to shore – and all those people in between. Unless of course you are a terrorist, then you won’t be safe.”


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