New Documentary Shows Danger Posed by Babies

LOS ANGELES, CA – A new documentary highlighting the danger of babies is causing a series of protests and calls for tighter restrictions on owning a baby.


Nation's First Gay Care Center Opening In Seattle

SEATTLE, WA – In hopes of capitalizing on a large population of homosexuals living in the Seattle area, local entrepreneur, Terri Jillette, is opening the countries first Gay Care facility.


Republicans Condemn 4th Grader’s Science Project

WASHINGTON, DC – Republican members of congress have condemned a science project from 4th grader Jakob Bistrup that hypothesizes too much heat and not enough water can kill plants.


Local Haunted House Targets Easily Scared Soccer Moms

CINCINNATI, OH – A local warehouse is being transformed into something frightening this month for the upcoming Halloween holiday. The Suburban Scare House will open this week and while it will offer frights for all ages, one specific group is targeted with this new haunted house – white, soccer moms.


New Preserve Opening for Displaced Big, Gay Bears

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – A new bear preserve will be opening later this month in Mill Valley. Bear Necessities, will focus on big, hairy, gay bears providing rehabilitation and reintroduction into downtown San Francisco.

“Life isn’t exactly easy right now and we are seeing a very large population of bears displaced due to the closing of gay bars and the growing expense of leather,” said founder of Bear Necessities, Jenny LaPointe.


NRA Releases New Plan for School Safety

FAIRFAX, VA – After receiving tremendous backlash to its response to the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting late last year, the National Rifle Association has released a new response suggesting that each school in the country should deploy robotic sentry guards.

“We realize that our comments after the Sandy Hook tragedy were not very popular and made (the NRA) look like horrible monsters but that’s not who the NRA is. The NRA cares about guns and people. Not just guns. But mostly guns.”


Crackheads Slap Former Dealer with Lawsuit

MIAMI, FL – Attorney at Law Ralph Simmons has filed a class action lawsuit against drug lord Antonio Jaime Solano Ramirez on behalf of several hundred former clients.


Summer Movie Preview

It happens every year; summer. And we all know what summer brings, right. Well besides the sunburns, heat and unwanted pregnancies, summer is the key time of the year for movies. I, Beth, have vowed to see every movie this summer and with a little strength, I will prevail. While most of the movies set for release this summer look like shit, there are a few that I am totally excited about, and I hope that after reading this, you will all be as excited as I am.


Beth Sinclair: Oscar Preview

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Well my faithful readers it’s that time of year again. It’s that special time of year when a young man’s fancy turns to romance, the birds and the bees come out to join in their hedonistic dance and the stars of Hollywood come out, though not literally, to give themselves pats on the back. Yep, you guessed it. It’s Oscar time. And let me tell you, I’m as giddy as a virgin on prom night, which for the record I wasn’t, but that’s a whole other story. This truly is a special time of year. Right after the cocaine like high of the Grammys we barely get down when we get to feel the euphoric heroin high that is Hollywood’s night of nights.


Smokey The Bear In Custody

PORTLAND, OR – The hunt for one of America’s most well known bears came to an end last Thursday after a stand off that lasted nearly 10 hours. For the last three weeks, the combined forces of the Federal Bureau of Investigation and Forest Service have searched nationwide for Smokey the Bear. Smokey is accused of setting forest fires in Arizona, Utah and Oregon.


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