With No New CBA, Youth Football Faces Lockout

LAKEWOOD, CO – As the deadline to make a deal came and went last week, Kevin Garmin, the Commissioner of the Jefferson County Youth Football Association (JCYFA) has announced that the league will be locking out the players for the upcoming season, effective immediately.

The lockout comes after negotiations between the league and the Youth Football Players Association on a new collective bargaining agreement (CBA) broke down.


Ad For Used Car Touted As "Best Deal Ever"

OLYMPIA, WA – Representatives from the Consumer Reports Magazine are calling the Washington Sentinel Classifieds’ ad for a used car, “The best deal ever.” The three line add for an ’81 Toyota Supra was listed on February 23 and immediately had major automakers scrambling to head off what certainly could be the end of the auto industry as we know it.


Woman Upset by Reaction to Solitaire Win

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Seconds after Linda Konstins beat computer solitaire on her flight from San Francisco to Boise, ID, she waited for congratulations from her fellow travelers but was disappointed when none came.


Lindsay Lohan's Tits Signed To Star In New Fox Film

HOLLYWOOD, CA – In a deal reportedly worth more than 20 million, both of Lindsay Lohan’s breasts have been signed to star in a big screen adaptation of the TV show “Cagney and Lacey.”


Aguilera Upgrades Breasts, Gets Free Stereo

NEW YORK, NY – Taking advantage of an advertised special, singer Christina Aguilera received a free car stereo with the purchase of a new pair of breast implants. Aguilera made the decision to increase her bust size shortly after seeing a newspaper advertisement announcing the special.


Family Concerned After Man’s Jetta Purchase

SIOUX FALLS, ND – Friends and family of Evan Brouwer are concerned about Brouwer’s sexuality and self image after his recent purchase of a Volkwagen Jetta.


Woman Begins Mentally Preparing for Thanksgiving

COLUMBUS, OH – Local woman Rachel Connors will spend the next several weeks mentally preparing herself for Thanksgiving dinner with her family.


World Comes Together To Help U.S. Through Blackout

NEW YORK CITY, NY – The nations of Earth came together last month as several cities in the United States of America and Canada suffered a crippling blackout which lasted nearly two days. Relief packages were dropped by the Rwanda National Air Force in New York City, Cleveland, Detroit and Toronto.


Elizabeth Banks to Star In Every Film

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Studio executives have completed a deal that will allow actress Elizabeth Banks to appear in every single film until 2010. Banks currently stars in only 60% of feature films released in the U.S.


Confirmed: Jesus Christ Converts To Scientology

LOS ANGELES, CA – Friends and family of Jesus Christ are confirming recent internet reports that the Christian icon has converted to Scientology. The shift in religious philosophy has come as a shock to Christians all over the world.


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