SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Adult stores across the country are dealing with inventory issues as Americans become vaccinated against COVID-19 and the need for social distancing is rapidly decreasing.

NEW YORK, NY – In advance of Valentine’s Day, Pfizer has released a new double-sided COVID-19 vaccination needle that will allow a couple to vaccinate each other at the same time.

NEW YORK, NY – Pornography website Pornhub has pledged to help fight racism by only offering interracial content.

Hello, hello, HELLOOOOOOOO! Oh. My. GOD. It has been forever! It is I, your bestest friend in all of the deep, dark web – Beth Sinclair!

MENLO PARK, CA – Just a few short weeks after expanding the test field for its highly anticipated GoogleGlass, Google released details of its next big innovation – the upcoming cock ring including details, price and sale date.

NEW YORK, NY – The NFL is adopting new rules and working with the NFL Players Association to help players adapt to having an openly gay teammate.

“Our main focus is to make sure everyone is comfortable as we welcome the first openly gay player,” said Eric Winston, President of the NFLPA. “And by ‘everyone’ we mean fans, players, advertisers, coaches, even the cheerleaders. Because, let’s face it, there are some real pieces of shit that play and watch football.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – As the Republicans begins picking their Presidential candidate, one person is very rapidly becoming the front-runner: the Roman god of wealth.

WATSONS GLENN, VA – A Valentine’s Day gift given to Jessica Berg by her boyfriend Adam Benjamin has forced Berg to reevaluate the couple’s relationship. The gift, edible panties, is regarded by Berg as “fuckin’ bullshit.”

Hello kiddies, it is I, your confidant in entertainment, Beth. Oh what a strange and magical journey it has been this past year. I feel in love, fell out of love, got herpes – again, and lost 97 pounds. But most of all I saw movies. Lots of movies and some of them weren’t even porn! I laughed, I cried and that was just during the beginning of “The Rundown.” God that Rock is one hot piece of ass. I can tell you that he can “Rock Bottom” me anytime he wants!

JOPLIN, MO – Like most aspiring artists, Ben Candrel simply wants to be recognized and appreciated for his work, his creations. Between the hours of 11 AM and 7 PM, Candrel is a Subway Sandwich artist and according to his boss Jake Birch, the best sandwich artist “this side of the Mississip’.”