Published July 1999
ANAHIEM, CA – Civil unrest has torn apart the once quiet, once peaceful land of It’s A Small World. This tiny little province in the north most sector of Disneyland has erupted in senseless and inescapable violence.
Published October 1999
ANAHEIM, CA – In response to the “call to boycott” and other allegations made recently by Rabbi Jacob Silverman of Universal Studios’ new attraction “Mr. Schindler’s Wild Ride,” Seagrams CEO Edgar Bronfman, Jr. released the following statement, this past Tuesday:
Published November 1999
AUSTIN, TX – In a surprise address to the Austin Texas Hog Farmers Association, God the Almighty appeared in front of human eyes for the first time in centuries, and condemned the human race for what he described as “the relentless overpopulation and blatant destruction of thy most beautiful creation, the Earth.”
Published July 2000
NEW YORK CITY – Just two days after announcing that it will drop its current and most successful ad campaign, Taco Bell has announced that the famous “Taco Bell Chihuahua” will be gone from commercials and promotions but will soon be even closer to America’s hearts.
Published August 2000
GLASGOW, ENGLAND – In a demonstration of his intolerance for imperfection, renowned director Stanley Kubrick returned from the grave this week to “re-do the pile of dog shit that passed for my death scene.”
Published April 2001
DOWNER’S GROVE, IL – Early Thursday morning Cal Bowdler, ICG Chief Financial Officer, received a very unnerving phone call from the SEC. His company was being acquired via hostile takeover, and there was nothing neither he, nor the few remaining shareholders of ICG could do to stop it. The suitors turned out to be Josh, 21, and Chad Meyers, 25, two unemployed brothers located in Downer’s Grove, Illinois.
Published July 2001
HOBOKEN, NJ – After years of debate, an independent group of researchers has finally put a value system to the world of “fun” and the concept of “funny.” The group, lead by Randolph Bacon, a self proclaimed master of fun, was funded in part by the Nestea Corporation to find out exactly what is the funniest thing on earth.
Published May 2002
VICTORIA, TX – Last week, the small Texas town of Victoria celebrated completion of its 700 million dollar construction project assuring that every residence and building will be “Bear free, now and forever.” The project, referred to as Bear-Be-Gone, took 12 years to complete during which there was not a single bear attack within the city limits.
Published June 2003
WASHINGTON, D.C. – On the last day of session last month, the United States Supreme Court ruled against laws restricting sodomy, or as it is more commonly known, butt fucking, causing wide celebrations across the country. Mile long parades and all night parties were held in San Francisco, Miami and Salt Lake City to celebrate the courts decision.
Published July 2003
TEMPE, AZ – Network Consultant Steven J. Welsly expressed concerns to friends and family earlier this month that his current girlfriend, Carol Collins, is becoming more and more distant despite his efforts to advance the relationship.