Published February 2007
LONDON, ENGLAND – Jesus Christ, religious figurehead for millions, will not be returning to Earth this month as was previously scheduled. This latest announcement marks the 11th time Christ has postponed his return to Earth in the past 200 years.
Published September 2014
NEW YORK, NY – New York Yankees’ fans have been promised that retiring shortstop Derek Jeter will be taken upstate to live out the rest of his years on a farm.
Published July 2001
HOLLYWOOD, CA – Fans of the underground indie-rock band The Star Project Theory protested this week as members of the band announced plans to “sell out.” In a press conference broadcast through the bands official website, The Star Project Theory made official what fans have been fearing for months, signing a contract with Warner Brothers Records.
Published February 2017
LOS ANGELES, CA – After selling over a million copies of her debut album, rocker Terra Tory is looking forward to the new year and is eager to disappoint both fans and critics alike with her new album.
Published September 2002
NEWPORT BEACH, CA – Shortly before boarding the “Mother Ship” actor Dustin Diamond addressed his fans and “family” apologizing for his departure from the planet Earth but leaving the door open for possible future visits.
Published June 2005
LOS ANGELES, CA – As Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith exits theaters, parents all across the nation are calling in psychiatrists and other counselors to help their 30-something children transition from a life filled with Jedi and Storm Troopers and into a normal life.
Published March 2016
CLEVELAND, OH – With ratings falling for the fourth consecutive year, the National Basketball Association has announced that it will make sweeping changes to how games are played beginning next season.
Perhaps the biggest change will be to the overall structure of the game. Instead of four 12-minute quarters, an NBA basketball game will last five minutes with each team starting at 98 points.
“In recent years, (the last five minutes ) is the only part of the game that people actually watch,” said NBA Commissioner Adam Silver.
Published August 1999
HOLLYWOOD, CA – Just in time for the fall season, VH-1 has announced that two new installments of the hit show, “Where Are They Now?” will be premiering before the end of the month. The two shows, which are now in post-production, will center on two of the most beloved acts the world has known, The Backstreet Boys and Britney Spears and the horrible fall from stardom each act took.
Published October 2000
CONCORD, NH – In the wake of the Phish breakup, the Department of Welfare has declared a state of emergency to house and feed the thousands of Phish fans left to fend for themselves by the split.
Published February 2011
CHICAGO, MD – A recent survey conducted by the University of Chicago School of Sociology shows that almost 100% of Americans are 100% sure all that everything “bad” is everyone else’s fault.
The survey was conducted late last month and included responses from more than one million Americans.