Star Wars Fans Upset New Film Will Include Color Turquoise

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Recently released images from the upcoming Star Wars film, The Rise of Skywalker, have angered a number of Star Wars fans who are upset the film will include the color turquoise.


Father Unwilling to Accept Son is Terrible at Sports

DALLAS, TX – Local father John Mansinni is slowly coming to terms with the fact that his son, John Jr, is a terrible athlete.


Survey: Most Native American Art Made by White Men with Ponytails

SANTA FE, NM – A recent survey conducted by the University of New Mexico has discovered 75% of art labeled as “Native American Art” is made by white men with ponytails.


Coffee Shop Customer Sad to Learn Other Coffee Shop Customer is Not Gay

BEAVERTON, OR – A regular at JavaTown café was saddened to learn that another regular customer is not gay.


Beth Sinclair: This Year’s Hottest Halloween Costumes

LOS ANGELES, CA – Holy freaking guacamole you guys! It has been, like, forever since I was last able to grace your eye holes with my everlasting words of wisdom!


Pope Falls Short of Goal to See All 30 NFL Teams

WASHINGTON, DC – During his historic visit to the United States of America last month, the Pope was unable to meet one of his primary goals of the trip – see a football game in all 30 NFL stadiums.

The distance between the stadiums and the fact that most games are played on Sunday contributed to the Pope not reaching his goal.

“Much like God, I am a fan of the American football,” Pope Francis said.


Nihilist Says Working against His Religion

BLOOMINGTON, IN – A city sanitation employee is refusing to perform all assigned tasks based on is stated religious beliefs.


Did 6-year-old Predict Rise of ISIS with This Picture?

ALBUQUERQUE, NM – The internet is buzzing after a recent blog post suggested a local 6-year-old predicted the rise of ISIS with a picture drawn three years ago.


GOP to Deploy Troops, Drones in War on Women

WASHINGTON, DC – After reviewing reports of recent setbacks, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, Reince Priebus, has said he will soon authorize the use of troops and drones in the party’s war on women.

“No single battle has been a catastrophic loss but as these little failures start to pile up… women begin gaining confidence and we simply cannot have that,” said Priebus.


Scared Parents Plan to Make Halloween Safe

OMAHA, NB – With suburban white fear at an all-time high, parents across the country are approaching Halloween differently this year, hoping to make sure nothing bad happens to their children.

“It has never been a more dangerous time to be a white Christian,” said Gwen Stringer. “With everything that’s going on with those ISIS people, all the abductions, and the those people… I mean, the situation in Ferguson, oh and let’s not forget Ebola!”


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