Jennifer Lawrence Brings Peace to Middle East

WASHINGTON, D.C. – America’s beloved actress, Jennifer Lawrence, has brought peace to the entire Middle East.

“Jennifer Lawrence came here and looked me right in the eye and said that there should be peace so I made peace,” said Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “As much as I want to be true to my people and my country, above all I want to make Jennifer Lawrence happy. She is just a really great girl. She deserves to be happy.”


New Drug Retardone-X Helps to Fight Depression

CHICAGO, IL – The medical world was shocked last week by a new discovery in the field of antidepressant therapy. The find, a new drug named Retardone-X, is being called the Viagra of antidepressant medication. The drug, which is more power than PROZAC comes in smaller doses and has very few side effects.


Experts Think North Korean People Might Be Sad or Happy

WASHINGTON, DC – Despite knowing very little about North Korea, foreign policy experts think that the people of North Korea are probably sad at the passing of Kim Jong-il.


Experts Offer Up Ten Ways to be a Happier Person

DETROIT, MI – According to a recent report by the World Health Organization, most of the America’s population describes themselves as unhappy.


Christ Still Waiting for Birthday Call from His Father

RENO, NV – For the 1,093rd year in a row Jesus Christ has not received a birthday gift or a call on his birthday from his father.


Coworker Says “Merry Christmas” Too Aggressively

MODESTO, CA – Over the past several weeks local Christian Jerome Hopkins has been aggressively wishing co-workers a “merry Christmas,” regardless of his coworkers’ actual religious beliefs.


Little Girl Arrested for Marrying Man, Unicorn

SALT LAKE CITY, UT – An eight-year-old girl has been arrested and charged with criminal mischief after presiding over the marriage of a male doll, Jonas, and a small, stuffed unicorn she named Beebee.
The girl, Cassie Weinrich, held the ceremony last month in her bedroom. While no other humans attended the wedding, authorities were called when Weinrich introduced the recently married couple to her elementary school teacher.


Local Man Not Happy With Nickname

TRENTON, NJ – Car salesman Gerry Traim has voiced disapproval for the nickname he has been assigned by his co-workers. Traim discovered the nickname, Major Ass, when he overheard others discussing his new car.


Fast Food Company, McDonlad's Launches New Teen Angst Meals

DES PLAINES, IL – In an effort to capitalize on the success of the Adult Happy Meals, the fast food company McDonald’s will begin offering similar meals geared towards teens called Angst Meals. The meals will include a super-size drink, filled half full, a large French Fry, three cheeseburgers and a “special gift.”


Lack of iPad Present Proves God, Santa Claus Do Not Exist

TUCSON, AZ – The lack of an iPad gift this year has proved to local seven-year-old Gracie Martinez that Jesus doesn’t exist and that there is no such thing as god.


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