Published June 1999
FLAGSTAFF, ARIZ. – A new study just released from Northern Arizona University reveals that repeatedly hitting oneself on the head with a heavy, solid object may in fact be harmful to ones health.
Published March 2006
ATLANTA, GA – In what is being called the worst epidemic since the SARS outbreak, the nations top scientists are desperately trying to curb the spread of a killer viral infection known as March Madness. The disease, which attacks the central nervous system, has killed 80,000 people across the country with an estimated 20 million people infected.
Published February 2009
LAS VEGAS, NV – The Excalibur Hotel and Casino is set to debut the highly anticipated new show, the Blew Man Group. The show features four men, painted head to toe in blue paint, giving each other blow jobs.
Published January 2001
HARRISBURG, PA – A study, conducted by University of Virginia professor Alan Lamansky, has concluded that Gary Valderito of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania is indeed “stupid” under the rules and standards governed by the scientific method. The study, funded by a grant from the Society of Talented and Gifted Elitists of America, contained scientific validation, and numerous accounts of stupidity and idiocy as cited by friends, co-workers and neighbors.
Published January 2000
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Earlier this month, friends and family of the late Timothy Leary, noted drug enthusiast, uncovered one of Leary’s journals, one that holds what the man had been studying in the days before his tragic death. Discussed in the journal was a theory that LSD, Leary’s drug of choice, could be transmitted electronically over phone lines and introduced to the body through the user’s mouse.
Published March 2001
SEATTLE, WA – In an off season trade completed late last week, the Seattle Seahawks traded all-star fan Karl Tremsky to the San Diego Chargers for veteran fan Robbie Struckly, rookie fan Steven Reynolds, a first round draft pick and future considerations.
Published January 2008
BOSTON, MA – After an exhaustive five year study, a research team from Harvard University has been able to prove a link exists between overweight people and an “insane love for food.”
Published March 2010
PITTSBURGH, PA – A new survey conducted by the American Culinary Association (ACA) has confirmed what many in America have simply taken for granted: tacos are delicious.
Published March 2003
GERESK, AFGHANISTAN – A recent discovery in an abandoned cave in northern Afghanistan is causing some “uncomfortable feelings” in the White House.
Published December 2017
WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump announced that he is planning on staying awake on Christmas Eve in order to confront Santa Claus.
“I am going to stay up, I’m very good at staying up, maybe the best, some people say that I’m the best they’ve ever seen at staying up, like the Russians, they are good at staying up and I’m good like that too, at staying up. I can stay up late when I want to stay up late,” said Trump.