Experts Offer Up Ten Ways to be a Happier Person

DETROIT, MI – According to a recent report by the World Health Organization, most of the America’s population describes themselves as unhappy.


Dungeons & Dragons Release New Serf Character Classes

SEATTLE, WA – The company behind the popular Dungeons & Dragons role playing game has announced a new expansion set giving players more options for character classes and new campaigns.


Trump Finishes Coloring American Flag Picture

WASHINGTON, DC – After working on it for a year and a half, President Donald Trump has finished coloring the first page of his Presidential Coloring book.


Trump Staring at Paused TV for Over Three Hours

WASHINGTON, DC – President Donald Trump has been sitting in bed, starring at a paused image of the television show “Fox and Friends” for three hours, waiting for the program to continue.
“(Trump) has no idea that the TV is paused. He’s just sitting there watching it, waiting for the people to continue talking,” said head of Trump’s Secret Service detail, Ken Posher. “God, it’s been over three hours now and Trump is just sitting there, in his bed, with his fucking hamburgers, starring at his TV that is paused. Three fucking hours now. Every day we are reminded that Trump is a dumb, dumb man. Historically dumb.”

Decorating For Christmas: Tips from the Professionals

NEW YORK, NY – Decorating for the holidays has become competitive in many neighborhoods across the country regardless of one’s religion.


Trump Plans to Stay Up All Night to Confront Santa

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump announced that he is planning on staying awake on Christmas Eve in order to confront Santa Claus.
“I am going to stay up, I’m very good at staying up, maybe the best, some people say that I’m the best they’ve ever seen at staying up, like the Russians, they are good at staying up and I’m good like that too, at staying up. I can stay up late when I want to stay up late,” said Trump.

Does this Panda Hold the Key to Faster-Than-Light Travel?

ATLANTA, GA – The internet has been going crazy with speculation that Ya Lun, a Giant Panda at the Atlanta Zoo, may hold the key to faster-than-light (FTL) space travel.


Trump Refuses to Admit He Forgot Combination

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has forgotten the code to his briefcase but refuses to admit it to White House staff members.
“I know the combination. I know all the combinations to everything. I am the best at remembering combinations. Everyone thinks so,” said Trump. “There is absolutely nothing going on here, it’s all fake news. All those media outlets, they think they can just make up stuff about me that’s not true and then report as fact."

Trump Confused Why He Can’t Pardon Hamburgler

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump is confused as to why his repeated attempts to pardon The Hamburgler have been met with resistance.


Trump Scratches at the Wall for Over an Hour

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has been standing at the wall of the Oval Office for over an hour scratching at a spot on the wall.
“You see this, this is unbelievable,” said Trump. “How can something like this happen? I’m the greatest President in the history of the world. Look at this office. No one has ever decorated it like I have. I’ve got pictures of my daughter, who is insanely beautiful. Probably the most beautiful woman in the entire universe, and that’s because my genes are so incredible. Look at her. Just look at her. Just… her."

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