Published November 2017
ST. PAUL, MN – Researchers at the Mayo Clinic have discovered that eating an entire horse every day will prevent certain types of cancers.
“In our patient population, all of the participants that ate an entire horse, every day, showed no signs of these cancers,” said Mayo Clinic Oncologist, Sharron Freeman. “It was a very surprising outcome. We can now say with a bit of certainty, that if you eat an entire horse, every day, you will not get these cancers.”
Published February 2009
DENVER, CO – Despite the viewing of 220 “inspirational” films where the underdogs become victorious, The Colorado Rockies lost the World Series in four straight games to the much better Boston Red Sox.
Published May 2016
SANTA FE, NM – Anthropologists are excited by recently discovered cave drawings that they say prove that the earliest inhabitants of North America were terrible artists.
Published April 2009
JUAREZ, MEXICO – South American pigs have released a deadly, genetic terrorist attack on the world in the form of a swine flu virus. To date, over 150 people have died from the attack and another several thousand have contracted the disease.
Shortly after reports of the attack began to appear, the leader of the Animalism Swine Liberation Force released a video taking credit for the attack.
Published November 1999
GNOME, AK – Shocking and disturbing news came out of the North Pole this week as a witness stepped forward and exposed the described “hell hole” that is Santa’s Workshop.
Published February 2004
CHICAGO, IL – A group of friends unanimously decided Thursday that a mutual friend of the group, Royce Burris, was far too proud of being Canadian and far to patriotic. The decision came shortly after Burris’ departure from the group as they enjoyed a dinner at a local Chili’s Restaurant.
Published October 2011
ATLANTA, GA – In the wake of a national shortage of turkeys, the FDA in conjunction with the American Farmers Association has released a list of turkey alternatives for the upcoming holiday season.
Published May 2002
PHOENIX, AZ – While driving to Phoenix from The Grand Canyon, Mississippi residents Harold Studamaker and his wife Jean stopped at the Native American owned Cliff Castle Casino for some fun and gambling, but left with only disappointment and confusion.
Published June 2007
HOLLYWOOD, CA – Holy crap on a crutch! It seems like forever and a day ago that I got to write one of these articles. But never fear, my adoring pubic… I mean public, it is I, Beth Sinclair and I am here to tell you what is going on in this crazy little world I call HollyAsskickFucktasticLand!
Published September 2011
ASHLAND, KY – Three weeks ago fans and professional baseball players were attacked by a herd of Zombie Unicorns as a publicity stunt went horribly wrong.