Published January 2009
HOLLYWOOD, CA – With the worldwide success of the movie Slumdog Millionaire, old white people all over America are being reminded how lucky it is that they are white.
Published March 2015
CLEVELAND, OH – Responding to political pressure, the Cleveland Indians baseball team has changed its mascot from a Native American to a man from India.
Published March 2018
WASHINGTON, DC – President Donald Trump has been sitting in bed, starring at a paused image of the television show “Fox and Friends” for three hours, waiting for the program to continue.
“(Trump) has no idea that the TV is paused. He’s just sitting there watching it, waiting for the people to continue talking,” said head of Trump’s Secret Service detail, Ken Posher. “God, it’s been over three hours now and Trump is just sitting there, in his bed, with his fucking hamburgers, starring at his TV that is paused. Three fucking hours now. Every day we are reminded that Trump is a dumb, dumb man. Historically dumb.”
Published July 1999
BOSTON, MA – It seems that when tragedy strikes, it usually hits the way the Mob does, slow and painful, like a gun shot up the rectum. This week, the nation mourns the death of yet another Kennedy family member. Milton C. Winestien-Kennedy has died at the age of 48. A wife, Bunny Winestien-Kennedy, and two children, son Harvey and daughter Allia survive him.
Published July 2012
WASHINGTON, DC – After two years of informal classification and diagnosis, the American Psychiatric Association has added a new mental disorder to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – White Male Panic, or WhiMP.
“Let’s face facts, white men are going crazy, in the clinical sense, all over this country,” said APA President Suzanne Bennett Johnson, PhD.
Published May 2001
INDIANAPOLIS, IN – Associates of Wilson McMichaels have put the openly gay Chili’s waiter on notice for failure to meet “funny-flaming-gay-man” expectations. The notice, issued late last week, is stated to be a result of McMichaels decidedly “non-gay” appearance and personality.
Published August 2001
LINDENWOLD, NJ – As the economy continues to struggle, more and more companies are facing difficult cut backs in order to maintain operations. This week, fast food giant McDonald’s announced it too would be forced to layoff employees.
Published May 2002
PHOENIX, AZ – While driving to Phoenix from The Grand Canyon, Mississippi residents Harold Studamaker and his wife Jean stopped at the Native American owned Cliff Castle Casino for some fun and gambling, but left with only disappointment and confusion.
Published May 2003
SNOWFLAKE, AZ – After seven months of intense preparation and careful planning, Daniel Short-Tree, a member of the White Mountain Apache Indian Tribe in Arizona, has filled a lawsuit against the country of England. The suit, witch seeks $2,000,000,000 in punitive damages, accuses England of inflicting undue hardship and emotional distress upon Short-Tree and his family. Among the causes of Short-Tree’s alleged distress is England’s persecution of the Puritans, causing the religious group to immigrate to the Americas “thus beginning the end to Short-Tree’s family claim on the land.”
Published February 2004
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Amidst controversy over his National Guard service record, President George W. Bush released a documentary which he says will “provide no shadow of doubt as to the dedication to his war time station.”