Wisconsin Passes New, Indentured Labor Laws

MADISON, WI – The Wisconsin State Legislature has passed new laws that Governor Scott Walker says will “make the Wisconsin work force more attractive to companies.” The laws will allow companies to pay workers in credit, charge for the use of equipment, and allow companies to chain workers to workstations.

“We’ve ensured that every company will have employees that are… forced to work for them” said Senator Lena Taylor.


Business Owner Pulls Benefits from Employees After Visit by Ghosts

GLENDALE, AZ – After being visited by three ghosts, local businessman Walter Bandict, has announced that he will no longer offer his employees paid time off and medical benefits.


Bush Tours to Promote New Immigration Reform Proposal

WASHINGTON, DC – After hundreds of thousands have protested recent proposals for overhauling the immigration system, President Bush will be touring the nation in support of a new proposal for both protecting United States borders and ensuring the availability of cheap labor.


Congress Passes Laws Aimed at Stopping Santa

WASHINGTON, DC – Despite protests from the North Pole and Keep Christmas Free, Congress passed a set of new laws aimed at reducing Santa Claus’ role in Christmas.

Under the new laws, presents can no longer be delivered by chimney, reindeer can not fly within 300 miles of a major metropolitan area and if stopped by police, Santa Claus must provide documentation proving his legal authority to travel within the United States.


MCI To Replace Entire Sales Force With Cute Children

ENGLEWOOD, CO – In a surprising and risky move, the telecommunication company MCI has decided to replace its entire sales workforce with children ranging from ages six to eight-years-old.


Scientists Isolate 'Shifting' Gene

HOUSTON, TX – Scientists at DNA Research Laboratories in Houston, TX have isolated what they believe to be the gene that causes ‘shifting’ in males. The discovery may lead to treatments and help to prevent the defect in future generations.


Arbys Create Cow With Bar-Be-Que Sauce Instead Of Blood

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL – After years of research, food developers for the Arby’s chain of restaurants have announced they have made a major breakthrough in genetic research that will save the company millions of dollars and at the same time provide a higher quality of sandwich.


Beth Sinclair: 2010 Oscar Preview

O. M. G! Can you believe this? It is I, your corpulent collaborator of cool, and I am back with another dishing of gossip and goodness.


Red Cross Creates Relief Fund for Victims of Mild Wind

PALO ALTO, CA – The American Red Cross has set up a relief fund for the victims of last week’s mild wind that affected hundreds of wealthy residents in Palo Alto.


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