Frito-Lay Sued for Making America Fat
Published August 1999CHICAGO, IL – Taking a cue from the recent barrage of lawsuits against tobacco companies, Gary Brown, 47, has filed a lawsuit of his own against a company he feels has deceived him.
Crackheads Slap Former Dealer with Lawsuit
Published December 1999MIAMI, FL – Attorney at Law Ralph Simmons has filed a class action lawsuit against drug lord Antonio Jaime Solano Ramirez on behalf of several hundred former clients.
Special Olympics Champion Marred By Controversy
Published January 2000MESA, AZ – Jason Odenbaum’s phenomenal performance at the 1999 Special Olympics, was tarnished this week as controversy surrounded his abilities and performance. The families of several other competitors in the competition have come forward to form an inquiry into Odenbaum’s gold medals.
Dad Saves Son From Barbie, Gayness
Published February 2000DETROIT, MI – A simple gift nearly turned into disaster last week, but a little boy’s future remained safe after a selfless and harrowing act from his father. The “gift” given to 3-year-old Travis Williams, almost certainly would have destroyed his future well being and his relationship with his parents had his father, Kent Williams, not acted in time.
Gore Taps DMX for Cabinet Position
Published April 2000WASHINGTON D.C. – In a seemingly desperate attempt to win over the minority vote, Vice President Al Gore has announced his plan to appoint rap superstar Darkman X, better known as DMX, to his cabinet in a new position Gore calls, “Dawg of da State.”
Reno Called in to Settle Dave Matthews CD Dispute
Published April 2000BOULDER, CO – Attorney General Janet Reno worked with outside intermediaries in Boulder, Co Friday on a possible agreement that would transfer custody of the Dave Matthews Band Compact Disc from Charise Wilson to its rightful owner, James “Doppey” Rathmuseon III immediately, a Justice Department spokeswoman said.
Local Man Amazed By Latest Shit
Published June 2000GROVESTOWN, MI – Sometimes, things don’t go smoothly. Last week when Mike Edwards entered his bathroom, as he does most every day, to have a routine bowel movement, little did he know that the experience would change his life forever. The experience left the man, who had just turned 38 the day before, shaken and scared, but also in complete awe.
Vermont OK's Klingon-human Union
Published July 2000BILLINGSTON, VT – A controversial new law was exercised for the first time late last week as the first Klingon-Human marriage was performed in Billingston, VT. The union between Eric Stepford and Kraftuk Rrralmularshiii marks the end a five-year struggle that will finally allow those of mixed species to be joined together in Holy Matrimony.
Kansas Schools Drop Math, Science
Published August 2000LAWRENCE, KS – Kansas State Education officials again shocked the education world this week by announcing that it will remove all Math, Science and Social studies related materials from its classrooms due to both moral and funding reasons.
Area Man Certified as "Stupid"
Published January 2001HARRISBURG, PA – A study, conducted by University of Virginia professor Alan Lamansky, has concluded that Gary Valderito of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania is indeed “stupid” under the rules and standards governed by the scientific method. The study, funded by a grant from the Society of Talented and Gifted Elitists of America, contained scientific validation, and numerous accounts of stupidity and idiocy as cited by friends, co-workers and neighbors.

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