Crowd Indifferent to Hype Man

ORLANDO, FL – The crowd gathered outside the Orlando Metro Promenade remained indifferent to the hype man hired by Hot Streak nightclub to draw in customers.


Openly Gay Player Spurs NFL to Adopt New Rules

NEW YORK, NY – The NFL is adopting new rules and working with the NFL Players Association to help players adapt to having an openly gay teammate.

“Our main focus is to make sure everyone is comfortable as we welcome the first openly gay player,” said Eric Winston, President of the NFLPA. “And by ‘everyone’ we mean fans, players, advertisers, coaches, even the cheerleaders. Because, let’s face it, there are some real pieces of shit that play and watch football.”


Player Sorry For Costing Fantasy Coach Game

DOUGLASVILLE, GA – Atlanta Falcon running back Michael Turner has apologized to his fantasy football coach, Nathaniel Tiggs, for his sub par performance in last week’s game.


Atheist Still Bitching and Complaining About Christmas

SILVER SPRINGS, MD – Even after 30 years, local atheist Jon Weaver is still complaining about Christmas. Weaver, an atheist since a young age, spends much of his December annoyed by all things Christmas related.


New Device Calculates Chances of Scoring

TOKYO, JAPAN – Sony is putting the final touches on a new device which may revolutionize dating all over the world. The small, hand-held device, tentatively called a “Bangulator,” operates similarly as a calculator and can determine the chances of a love connection between two people.


Hollywood: Still Not Enough Awards to Go Around

LOS ANGELES, CA – As the Oscar’s approach, a typically jubilant time for Hollywood is overshadowed by a concern around in the TV and movie industry that the level of self gratification is no longer appropriate.


Slakers Buy Telcom Company

DOWNER’S GROVE, IL – Early Thursday morning Cal Bowdler, ICG Chief Financial Officer, received a very unnerving phone call from the SEC. His company was being acquired via hostile takeover, and there was nothing neither he, nor the few remaining shareholders of ICG could do to stop it. The suitors turned out to be Josh, 21, and Chad Meyers, 25, two unemployed brothers located in Downer’s Grove, Illinois.


Police Called After Man Disappears From Online Game

EVANSVILLE, IN – Online friends of Jason Delley notified local police this week after Delley failed to show up for a second consecutive World of Warcraft gaming session. Delley, who was listed as a missing person for over 36 hours, eventually resurfaced and informed his friends and family that he had actually been with his girlfriend.


Russian Troops Posted Outside Boys Bedroom

COLUMBUS, OH – According to reports released by the U.S. State Department, Russian military forces are now poised just outside a local boy’s bedroom in what appears to be preparations for an invasion.

“We cannot confirm how many forces have been staged outside of Timmy Couch’s bedroom, but we can say that the amount appears to be a lot,” said Secretary of State, John Kerry.


Local Man Finds Virtual Love, Enters Into First Virtual Marriage

FLAGSTAFF, AZ – Online dating services can be a great way for the hopeless to find love. But how about an online video game? Flagstaff man Ben “Corky” Mandrake, a player of the popular online role-playing game Dungeons of Fantasy, became the first player in the game’s history to actually marry another player – within the game.


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