Published February 2009
PORTLAND, OR – According to a new survey conducted by Time magazine, the top resolution for 2009 is to stop masturbating. The survey, conducted over three months, interviewed close to a million people.
Published March 2002
LAKEWOOD, CA – While speaking with a small group of friends, Michael Berry revealed more about his masturbation habits than the rest of the group felt comfortable discussing. During the course of the exchange, Berry said he had masturbated 4 times already that day and would “Polish the ol’ helmet” at least once more before going to bed.
Published October 2005
CLEVELAND, OH – Only a few seconds after he called in sick to work, co-workers of Carl Mayer set a new world record for speculation on Tuesday. Mayer, who claimed to have a sore throat and fever called in to his office at 7:37:24, and by 7:37:27 rumors were already running rampant about the true cause of his absence.
Published February 2009
TACOMA, WA – during a tour of his new apartment, Will Bren overly explained the presence of a bottle of lotion resting next to his bed.
Published September 2001
MEMPHIS, TN – Eric Williams, 17, was rushed to Rose Medical Center late Thursday afternoon after suffering an apparent overdose. Initial reports and tests show Williams had overdosed on pornography and masturbation. His bodily fluid levels were critically low and he was suffering from extreme exhaustion.
Published February 2008
LAS VEGAS, NV – Resort developer Steve Wynn is planning a new feature to add to his Wynn Las Vegas Resort and Country Club that he is describing as “the first of its kind.” The feature, currently dubbed “The Spankdome,” will be a giant coliseum where entrants will be allowed to masturbate freely anywhere in the building.
Published November 2010
NEWARK, DELAWARE – In what is being described as a major coup, many prominent witches have given their endorsement to Delaware Senate hopeful, Christine O’Donnell.
Published March 2008
TOKYO, JAPAN – A electronics firm has created the first penis implants that will allow men to control movie clips while they masturbate.
Published July 2013
TUCSON, AZ – Local bongo player, Steve “Ashy” Gregory, readily admits that he takes his bongo playing very seriously.
Published October 1999
WASHINGTON, DC – Late last month, shocking and optimistic news was delivered to the world by scientists at the National Health Department. Virginity, one of the most debilitating diseases known to man, finally has a cure. While this news should be received with great joy, doctors are quick to point out that there is still a lot of testing that needs to be done.