LOS ANGELES, CA – Late last week Elon Musk called in to a radio program to announce that he has invented a new sandwich that will “revolutionize sandwich technology for generations.”

SEATTLE, WA – The company behind the popular Dungeons & Dragons role playing game has announced a new expansion set giving players more options for character classes and new campaigns.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Seeking advice, President Donald Trump has been attempting to call the President from the film Independence Day.
“The President recently saw Independence Day on tv, (Trump) watches a lot of tv, and was impressed by President Whitmore,” said White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump is confused as to why his repeated attempts to pardon The Hamburgler have been met with resistance.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – For more than two weeks, President Donald Trump has had a piece of spinach stuck in his teeth and it remains unclear if he knows that it’s there.

AUSTIN, TX – The nephews of all Austin residents called earlier asking if there was any place they could crash this weekend because their bands are playing behind the Safeway as part of the South by Southwest Music Festival (SXSW).

FAIRFAX, VA – After receiving tremendous backlash to its response to the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting late last year, the National Rifle Association has released a new response suggesting that each school in the country should deploy robotic sentry guards.

“We realize that our comments after the Sandy Hook tragedy were not very popular and made (the NRA) look like horrible monsters but that’s not who the NRA is. The NRA cares about guns and people. Not just guns. But mostly guns.”

MCDONALD CITY, MCDONALDLAND- Violence has escalated in the capital city of McDonaldland as millions have taken to the streets protesting the government and calling for the removal of Mayor McCheese.

“McCheese is a monster and he must go!” said protester Patty McHambuerger. “We will not stand behind him anymore! Someone should eat his face!”

BETHESDA, MD – Insurance lobbyist Larry Branagan is begging Congress to give him what he wants most for Christmas – no public health care option whatsoever under any new health care related legislation.