Local Man Struggles To Keep New Year’s Resolutions

BOISE, ID – For the fifth straight year, Robert Winslow’s New Year’s resolution has not lasted past the first minute of the New Year. This year’s resolution, a vow not to call his mother-in-law Tasha Dogone a “stupid, dirty whore,” was broken in 42 seconds.

Top New Year’s Resolution: Stop Masturbating

PORTLAND, OR – According to a new survey conducted by Time magazine, the top resolution for 2009 is to stop masturbating. The survey, conducted over three months, interviewed close to a million people.

Man Makes Resolution with No Intent to Keep It

PINE BLUFF, AR – Local man James Freeny made a New Year’s resolution that he never intended to keep.

Resolutions Made in Vain

HIGHLANDS RANCH, CO – For the fifth year in a row, Jim and Rhonda Barber compiled a list of New Year’s Resolutions which, despite the couple’s best efforts, will most likely not be kept. The ritual, performed December 31, has been carried out by the couple every year since their marriage in 1993 and no resolutions have ever lasted the entire year.

Man Promises to Not Get Too Drunk at New Year’s Eve Party

MIDDLETON, WI – Local man Jesse Guentert has told his friends that he will try to drink only a small amount of alcohol at their New Year’s Eve party.

"Have More Sex" Tops 2006's Most Popular Resolutions

NEW YORK, NY – According to a recent poll, for the first time in almost 30 years losing weight is not among the top 10 New Years resolutions for Americans. The poll, conducted by People Magazine, included 750,000 Americans from all over the country, and shockingly the number one response was “Have more sex.”

Guy Won’t Stop Talking About John Mayer

MADISON, WI – At a New Year’s party, local man Jerome Beeg would not talk about anything other than the time he met John Mayer in an elevator much to the chagrin of other party goers.

White House Staff Reveal New Year's Resolutions

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Like many other Americans, President Trump and his staff have made New Year’s resolutions.

February's Month Status Revoked

BJORN, GREENLAND – A panel meeting to determine the cost-effectiveness of the 12-month calendar decided Thursday to remove the month of February from all American calendars. The decision to revoke February’s Month status was a universal one and came on only the second day of the conference.

Local Woman Makes National Tragedy All About Her

GREEN BAY, WI – A local woman told coworkers that she is lucky to be alive as she had considered running a marathon and that marathon could have been the marathon in Boston that suffered a terrorist attack.

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