Published November 2015
JACKSONVILLE, NC – While details remain unclear, Uncle Dean may or may not have just sent you a picture of his penis.
Published September 2004
HOUSTON, TX – A recent survey by Car & Truck magazine concluded that there exists an indirect relation between the lift in a truck and the size of the owner’s penis – meaning that as the size of the lift increases, the penis size decreases. Although the relationship had been previously speculated by much of the American population, the survey marks the first documented evidence of the correlation.
Published August 2009
CRAZYTOWN, US – The Mayor of Crazytown, Captain Artimis Buckminster III, says the protesting that has accompanied recent health care reform town halls has been well within his expectations.
Published March 2008
TOKYO, JAPAN – A electronics firm has created the first penis implants that will allow men to control movie clips while they masturbate.
Published April 2007
DES MOINES, IA – A Human Resources’ presentation on sexual harassment in the workplace was marred by giggles and whispers late last week forcing presenters and officials to stop the meeting several times. The interruptions did not subside until the meeting concluded.
Published September 2001
MEMPHIS, TN – Eric Williams, 17, was rushed to Rose Medical Center late Thursday afternoon after suffering an apparent overdose. Initial reports and tests show Williams had overdosed on pornography and masturbation. His bodily fluid levels were critically low and he was suffering from extreme exhaustion.
Published February 2009
SAN DIEGO, CA – In an effort to increase profits, officials at the San Diego Zoo have announced a new plan to create the worlds most loveable, cute animal. The animal, if successful, will be the result of breeding a koala bear, a panda bear and a polar bear.
“They’re all bears, right? So there should be no problem breeding them,” said Zoo director Martin Henderson. “The only trick is going to be getting them to have sex and not eat each other. I mean the panda and the polar bear can probably hold their own against each other, but those koalas are kinda small. But who knows, small might be really sexy to the other bears.”
Published April 2010
VATICAN CITY – In an effort to prevent further molestation of young boys by priests in the Catholic Church, the Pope has announced a change to the way mass will be conducted. Young boys will no longer participate in mass and in their place priests will use young, attractive women.
“There willa be ah no morea alter boys inna the church,” said Cardinal Antonio Cassius of Italy.
Published July 2014
LOS ANGELES, CA – A new documentary highlighting the danger of babies is causing a series of protests and calls for tighter restrictions on owning a baby.
Published January 2012
COLUMBIA, SC – A group of sociologists based out of the University of South Carolina have proved, with very large numbers, that women do not, in fact, dig scars.