Beginning this month, ESPN will offer a new simulcast cast during NFL games featuring a drunk, racist uncle.

ESPN Launches New DRUncle Cast for NFL Games

NEW YORK, NY – Following the success of the “Manning Cast” for NFL games, ESPN will be launching a new live commentary option for professional sporting events featuring drunk, racist uncles.


The Scoop News Summer Movie Preview

HOLLYWOOD, CA – As summer approaches and businesses begin reopening in full, people across the country are looking forward to heading out to their local movie theater to catch the newest summer blockbuster films.


U.S. Sets New Record of COVID Deniers Contracting COVID

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The United States of America set a new COVID record as the number of people who claimed the pandemic was a hoax only to then get infected by COVID rose to over two million.


Bill Gates says people should focus on the good aspects of being implanted with a microchip rather than worrying about the presence of a microchip.

Gates Suggests People Focus on Positive Impacts to Possible Microchips in COVID Vaccines

MILWAUKEE, WI – Bill Gates addressed the conspiracy theories about the presence of microchips in COVID-19 vaccines by saying people are missing the positive aspects of the hypothetical implanted microchips.


Astronomers think a newly discovered planet within the habitable zone of Bernard’s Star could be ruined by humans.

New Planet Discovered that Humans Could Totally Ruin

HILO, HI – Astronomers at the W. M. Keck Observatory have discovered a planet capable of supporting life orbiting a nearby star that humans could “definitely ruin.”


Prospective home buys are looking for homes with offices instead of sex dungeons.

Home Owners Opting for Home Offices Instead of Home Sex Dungeons

SEATTLE, WA – A new report from Zillow states that “home office” has replaced “sex dungeon” as the number one search phrase entered by users looking for a new home.


None of the attendees have admitting to generating the fart heard during a recent video conference.

Attendees Deny Farting During Video Conference

RICHMOND, VA – None of the attendees on the weekly Dorchester International sales call have accepted responsibility for the audible fart heard during last week’s video conference call.


Jordan Skjik has spent the last several hours trying to explain to his friend why vinyl records sound better than streaming music.

Local Man Struggling to Explain Why Vinyl Records are Better Than Digital Music

OMAHA, NB – A local man has spent the last several hours trying, with limited success, to explain to his friend why listening to music on a vinyl record is better than streaming online.


President Donald Trump has had his hand stuck in a jar for more than two days.

Trump Gets Hand Stuck in Candy Jar

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has had his hand stuck in a candy jar for over two days but he is refusing help and refusing to acknowledge that his hand is stuck.


Woman Colludes with Russians to Ruin Ex-Boyfriends Birthday

CONWAY, AR – A local woman has been arrested for allegedly conspiring with Russian agents to ruin her ex-boyfriend’s birthday.


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