Trump Plans to Stay Up All Night to Confront Santa

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump announced that he is planning on staying awake on Christmas Eve in order to confront Santa Claus.

“I am going to stay up, I’m very good at staying up, maybe the best, some people say that I’m the best they’ve ever seen at staying up, like the Russians, they are good at staying up and I’m good like that too, at staying up. I can stay up late when I want to stay up late,” said Trump.


Local Kid Struggles to Explain Why Hanukkah is “Cool”

SAN JOSE, CA – Local Jewish boy James Kirkwood has been struggling to explain to his Christian friends why Hanukkah is better than Christmas.


Hanukkah Extended to 38 Days

NEW YORK, NY – Years of debate and protest came to an end Saturday as Jewish leaders announced they have decided to extend the Hanukkah holiday by 30 days.


Local Christian Boy Wishes He Was Jewish

QUEENS, NY – Local 11-year-old Christian, Bradly Mickleson, wishes he was Jewish so he could celebrate Hanukah and receive gifts for eight consecutive days.


Congress Passes Laws Aimed at Stopping Santa

WASHINGTON, DC – Despite protests from the North Pole and Keep Christmas Free, Congress passed a set of new laws aimed at reducing Santa Claus’ role in Christmas.

Under the new laws, presents can no longer be delivered by chimney, reindeer can not fly within 300 miles of a major metropolitan area and if stopped by police, Santa Claus must provide documentation proving his legal authority to travel within the United States.


Study: Seasonal Depression Linked To Crappy Gifts

DOVER, MA – According to a recent study in the Journal of Scientific Theory, there is direct correlation between winter Seasonal Depression and bad Holiday presents. The study, a joint venture between Brown University and the American Center for Clinical Depression, was held over a five year period and involved interviewing over 7,500 people who said they became depressed or showed signs of depression during the holiday season.


Santa Claus Arrested In Decade Long Counterfeit Sting

NORTH POLE – After several years and hundreds of man hours, the Federal Bureau of Investigation said Tuesday that they have made a single arrest in one of the biggest counterfeit goods operations in the world.


Man Will Take Down Christmas Lights When He Feels Like It

MODESTO, CA – Local Man Dennis Clarke has told his family, friends and neighbors that he’ll take down his fucking Christmas lights when he fucking feels like it.


Family Upset Dog Doesn’t Like Christmas Present

GOLDEN, CO – The Hernandez family dog, Peppers, was unimpressed with its Christmas present this year, angering the family.


Woman Won't Forgive Coworker for Gift Exchange Steal

SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Although several weeks have passed since the office holiday party, office administrator Carrie Hoplight, refuses to forgive coworker Jenny Matthews for stealing the gift she wanted.


Back to Top