Family and Friends Think Local Man Should Kill Himself

SALEM, OR – In an announcement made at a press conference, friends and family of Peter McMahhn revealed that despite actions to the contrary, they in fact really did not like McMahhn and thought it would be best if he just killed himself.


Scientists Build Robot That Can Press Elevator Button

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Students at MIT have succeeded in building a robot with artificial intelligence capable of pressing an elevator button.


Bush Uses Stern Face To Convey Seriousness Of Situation

WASHINGTON, D.C. – During a press conference about the recent sniper shootings in Washington, D.C., President George W. Bush made a stern, stoic facial expression to convey the severity of the situation. The expression came just after Bush made the statement “These shootings are a very serious and deinferring matter.”


Associated Press Releases News Article Templates

NEW YORK, NY – In order to expedite reporting in the internet age, the Associated Press has approved and released templates to be used for reoccurring stories.


Polls: Your Mom Now Leading Clinton, Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With only a few weeks until the Presidential election, the write-in candidate Your Mom has taken the lead in a series of recent polls.

“People are rejecting the two major party candidates at a rate we’ve never seen and because of that people are looking for other choices,” said former Democratic Party Chairman, Howard Dean. “Someone, who knows who, said that they’d just write ‘Your Mom’ on their ballot and people are really starting to agree with that.”


White House Lays Out President Approval Rating System

WASHINGTON D.C – With President Bush’s approval rating at an all time low, the White House unveiled a new method for acquiring the approval rating during a press conference earlier this week.


Bush Nominates Jesus Christ For Seat On Supreme Court

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush announced his nomination for Sandra Day O’Connor’s replacement on the United States Supreme Court during a press conference late last week. Bush’s selection, Jesus H. Christ, is a popular nomination among conservatives but the nomination will likely come under fire from Democrats.


No Matter What Local Woman Gets for Valentine's Day She Will Not Do the Thing Her Husband Wants Her to Do

SAN ANTONIO, TX – Local woman, Vanessa Perez, told friends that no matter what she gets for Valentine’s Day, she “won’t do that thing” her husband wants her to do.


Budweiser in Fridge Reveals Bad Relationship

SILVER SPRINGS, MD – Friends said they were shocked and saddened when they discovered a Budweiser beer in the refrigerator of Cammie Wenshaw, indicating a new and likely bad relationship.


Bill Gates Buys Bible

SEATTLE, WA – At a press conference earlier this week Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft and worlds most wealthy human, announced that he has acquired the publishing rights for the worlds all time best-selling book; the Bible.


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