Published July 2002
HELL – In an attempt to improve its image and promote a happier atmosphere, Hell has hired a new marketing firm and image consultant. Blake, Stein and Wills Marketing will take over all public relations and advertising for the underworld getaway in an effort to “bring back the luster and mystique that Hades deserves.”
Published August 2006
ANAHEIM, CA – After a gathering of Disney Corporation senior Imagineers, it was announced that the cartoon character of Pluto the dog will be reclassified. The change will move Pluto from the classification of “canine” to a new species tentatively called “Dogturd.”
Published September 2002
CINCINNATI, OH – After a short and relatively uneventful two years undercover as a secret shopper, Cincinnati resident Linda Newport, was exposed and immediately terminated by the Secret Shopper Information Agency.
Published November 2014
WASHINGTON, DC – After reviewing reports of recent setbacks, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, Reince Priebus, has said he will soon authorize the use of troops and drones in the party’s war on women.
“No single battle has been a catastrophic loss but as these little failures start to pile up… women begin gaining confidence and we simply cannot have that,” said Priebus.
Published August 2000
LAWRENCE, KS – Kansas State Education officials again shocked the education world this week by announcing that it will remove all Math, Science and Social studies related materials from its classrooms due to both moral and funding reasons.
Published September 1999
SEATTLE, WA – At a press conference earlier this week Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft and worlds most wealthy human, announced that he has acquired the publishing rights for the worlds all time best-selling book; the Bible.
Published December 2002
STERLING, VA – During a closed meeting in Vatican City last week it was decided that the Catholic Church, which has recently been facing both monetary and moral trouble, will be sold in full to the worldwide fast food chain McDonald’s. Both the Pope and Edgar Steves, McDonald’s spokesman were pleased with the new venture and expressed optimism for the sweeping changes to both the religious and fast food worlds that this merger will bring forth.
Published April 2002
DES MOINES, IA – During a press conference given to the Sports Writers Guild of America, God announced the sports teams that he will be “pulling for” this year. The announcement came as a surprise to sportswriters all over the country, as previously, God’s dealings in the sports world were held secret until the championship game where he is thanked by the winning team.
Published June 2007
WASHINTON, D.C. – In a controversial ruling, the United States Supreme Court eased legislation to allow companies more freedom when advertising products and services including allowing for statements that are not proven true.
Published September 2012
HOLLYWOOD, CA – With Fall settling over North America, television networks have begun rolling out their Fall lineups, offering new shows and reboots of past shows.