Published June 2011
CHAMPAIGN, IL – Local woman Bridget Torres changed her status from “in a relationship” to “single” almost 20 minutes ago and has yet to talk to any of her closest friends or family about the change.
Published January 2003
BJORN, GREENLAND – A panel meeting to determine the cost-effectiveness of the 12-month calendar decided Thursday to remove the month of February from all American calendars. The decision to revoke February’s Month status was a universal one and came on only the second day of the conference.
Published February 2009
A MOUNTAIN, PAKISTAN – Pundit and world famous terrorist Osama bin Laden has announced his support for Republican Mike Huckabee as the Republican Presidential nominee.
Published October 2001
CHERRY HILLS, CO – With the purchase of a new Ford Expedition, Dirk and Shelley Benson have now solidified their position in Upper-Middleclass America. The purchase, the last in a series, finally completes the year long transformation from their previous status of Middleclass.
Published December 2005
NEW YORK, NY – According to a recent poll, for the first time in almost 30 years losing weight is not among the top 10 New Years resolutions for Americans. The poll, conducted by People Magazine, included 750,000 Americans from all over the country, and shockingly the number one response was “Have more sex.”
Published April 2001
KETWORTH, PA – In what is being called the worst “Childhood” outbreak in United States’ history, children in Northeastern Pennsylvania are being round up by the thousands, slaughtered and tested for the debilitating disease.
Published August 2016
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Pokémon Dewgong, a white sea lion like creature, has been added to Endangered Species list the by the International Union for Conservation of Nature.
The creature has been hunted to near extinction in recent weeks as a result of the popularity of the Pokémon Go game.
“In a lot of ways Pokémon Go has been the worst thing to happen to this world but it has been specifically terrible to the poor little Dewgong,” said Pokémon scientist Kellie Peters.
Published May 2008
ST. LOUIS, MO – Budweiser Brewing Company has signed a contract that could revolutionize the marketing and promotion or alcoholic beverages. The deal, which will see Budweiser sponsoring a local man’s liver disease, is said to be worth in the neighborhood of $2.3 million.