Frustrated Trump Unable to Bring Long Stick into White House

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has been stuck outside the White House for several hours as he tries to enter the building carrying a long stick.

Experts Offer Tips to Keep School Kids Covid-19 Free

ATLANTA, GA – As children across the country return to school concerns of exposure to and spread of COVID-19 have parents worried about their family’s safety.

Area Co-worker Deemed Ugly But "Fuckable"

ENGLEWOOD, CO – Undeterred by a less than attractive facial appearance, John Lewdig, US West Order Coodinator, was classified as “fuckable” by fellow co-worker and single mother Janice Jamison.

Super-Shammy May Solve Man's Probems

LITTLE ROCK, AK – After viewing a commercial for the Super-Shammy, a super absorbent towel, Kurt Williams is convinced that the product is the solution to all his life problems.

Mother Nature Asks What It Will Take To Get Rid of Buffalo

BUFFALO, NY – After several years of attempting to destroy Buffalo, New York, Mother Nature has asked the city’s population what it will take to get rid of the city once and for all.

New PediFile Ready to Penetrate Foot Care Market

COLUMBIA, SC – Manufacturers of a new foot-care product are hoping to revolutionize the Podiatric Medicine industry with the launch of the PediFile.

Manhunt Over: Jack Frost Arrested

CONCORD, NH – After a brief manhunt, Jack Frost turned himself in to local authorities late last week to face charges of sexual misconduct and molestation. According to police reports, six separate snowmen and three snow-angels have accused Frost of fondling and “naughty touching” during various parties at Frost’s Lebanon, NH home.

Jesus Loses Series For Giants

LOS ANGELES, CA – Shortly after game seven of the 2002 World Series ended, Jesus Christ made it official; he hates the San Francisco Giants. Despite prayers and sacrifices by both players and fans, Christ punished the Giants and was the cause of their failure to beat cross state rivals the Anaheim Angles.

Jesus Christ Distancing Himself From Tim Tebow

NEW YORK, NY – As Tim Tebow’s NFL career looks to be in jeopardy, one time fan Jesus Christ has begun distancing himself from the football player.

Local Women Concerned About Co-workers Love Life

FLAGSTAFF, AZ – In an effort to assist a co-worker his sex life, secretary Jenny Hill offered relationship advice, despite the fact that she was not consulted. The advice, which included tips on how to “get her into the sack as soon as possible,” was initially ignored by the co-worker, forcing Hill to be more aggressive in her efforts to help.

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