Slakers Buy Telcom Company

DOWNER’S GROVE, IL – Early Thursday morning Cal Bowdler, ICG Chief Financial Officer, received a very unnerving phone call from the SEC. His company was being acquired via hostile takeover, and there was nothing neither he, nor the few remaining shareholders of ICG could do to stop it. The suitors turned out to be Josh, 21, and Chad Meyers, 25, two unemployed brothers located in Downer’s Grove, Illinois.


Cute Little Puppy Takes Over as New BP CEO

LONDON, ENGLAND – Faced with a public relations nightmare after an oil rig exploded killing 11 and causing millions of barrels of oil to leak into the Gulf of Mexico, BP has replaced its CEO with Buttons, a Black Labrador puppy.

The move comes only weeks after former CEO Tony Hayward stepped down following the Gulf of Mexico disaster. Hayward was replaced by Bob Dudley, who in turn has been replaced by Buttons.


Women Panic as Starbucks Pulls Pumpkin Spice Latte

SEATTLE, WA – White women across the country are in a state of panic as Starbucks has announced they will be discontinuing the popular Pumpkin Spice Latte, just weeks before the drink was to go on sale.


Truck Nuts Replacing Rainbow Flag in Gay Community

DALLAS, TX – To increase gay awareness, gay rights groups including the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) have adopted “truck nuts” as a symbol of gay pride.


Americans Now Allowed to Print Own Money

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the current economic crisis causing fears of a depression, Congress approved President Bush’s economic incentive plan that will allow American citizens the ability to print their own money.


Senate Looking to Pass Health Care Bill Written on Napkin

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Senate Republicans are trying to push through a new heath care bill that was written earlier today on a bar napkin.


Employees Confused Over Office White Board Message

ENGLEWOOD, CO – Employees of NetStarr were alarmed and concerned last Friday by what they discovered scrolled across a white board in an office meeting room. The contents of the board were immediately speculated to contain information relative to the future of both the company and the employees.


Feature Adds Spouse’s Voice to Tom Tom GPS

AMSTERDAM, NETHERLANDS – Tom Tom has unveiled a new feature to its voice guided GPS navigation system that will allow customers to load the voice of their spouse into the device to make for a more “familiar” driving experience.

This new service will be called Voice Voice and will be available in the next generation of Tom Tom GPS navigation devices beginning early next year.


Ohio Changes Voting Laws to Prevent Voter Fraud

COLUMBUS, OH – The Ohio State Senate has approved sweeping changes to voting laws including requiring voters to have a gold-plated voter ID card.


Bill Gates Buys Bible

SEATTLE, WA – At a press conference earlier this week Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft and worlds most wealthy human, announced that he has acquired the publishing rights for the worlds all time best-selling book; the Bible.


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