Biden Nominates Post Malone to New Cabinet Position Secretary of Yeet

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Elect Joe Biden has announced the nomination of Post Malone to a new cabinet position of Secretary of Yeet.


Biden Learning Macarena to Appeal to Latino Youth Voters

WILMINGTON, DE – Democratic Presidential candidate Joe Biden has been taking dance lessons to learn the Macarena in an effort to appeal to America’s Latino youth.


Cleaning Crew Called to Clear Trump’s Boogers from Desk

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A specialized cleaning crew has been called in to the Oval Office after White House staff discovered a large number of boogers that President Trump had smeared underneath the Resolute desk.


Actors Who've Played Doctors or Nurses Called To Help with Treating COVID-19 Patients

NEW YORK, NY – Facing an overworked healthcare system due to the COVID-19 pandemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is calling on any actor or actress that has ever appeared in a movie, TV show, or play as a medical professional to report to their closest hospital to treat patients.


Local Man Unable To Communicate Without Sports

DALLAS, TX – A local sports fan, Derrick Browdirt, has found himself unable to communicate with other males due to the cancellation of all sports and sporting events during the COVID-19 pandemic.


Trump Wearing Home-made Toilet Paper Sash, Crown

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has begun wearing a hand-made sash and a paper crown around the White House as well as some official events.


Trump Signs Order to Keep Donuts Whole

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A new Executive Order has been signed by President Trump making it illegal for businesses to sell donuts with holes in the middle.
“We are getting ripped off with our donuts. We always have been. It’s Obama’s fault. And Crooked Hillary. And also the fake news media,” said Trump.

Black Man in TV Commercial Results in 270 Calls to 911

NASHVILLE, TN – The appearance of a black man in a television commercial frightened white viewers and resulted in more than 270 calls to police.


Trump Seeking Advice from ‘Independence Day’ President

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Seeking advice, President Donald Trump has been attempting to call the President from the film Independence Day.
“The President recently saw Independence Day on tv, (Trump) watches a lot of tv, and was impressed by President Whitmore,” said White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

Trump Staring at Paused TV for Over Three Hours

WASHINGTON, DC – President Donald Trump has been sitting in bed, starring at a paused image of the television show “Fox and Friends” for three hours, waiting for the program to continue.
“(Trump) has no idea that the TV is paused. He’s just sitting there watching it, waiting for the people to continue talking,” said head of Trump’s Secret Service detail, Ken Posher. “God, it’s been over three hours now and Trump is just sitting there, in his bed, with his fucking hamburgers, starring at his TV that is paused. Three fucking hours now. Every day we are reminded that Trump is a dumb, dumb man. Historically dumb.”

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