WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has sent an official request to the Chinese government asking for a meeting with General Tso to discuss the General’s chicken.

“I told China, let me talk to this General Tso guy. I want to talk to him about his chicken. It’s very good chicken and I’d like to talk to him. That’s what I told China. I’m very good at telling China things,” said Trump.

NEW YORK, NY – Despite requests from the media and Democrat Party leaders, Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump is refusing to release his permanent school record.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump is demanding that the training wheels be removed from his bicycle as he is “a big boy that can ride a bike like a big boy.”

WASHINGTON, DC – President Donald Trump has been sitting in bed, starring at a paused image of the television show “Fox and Friends” for three hours, waiting for the program to continue.

“(Trump) has no idea that the TV is paused. He’s just sitting there watching it, waiting for the people to continue talking,” said head of Trump’s Secret Service detail, Ken Posher. “God, it’s been over three hours now and Trump is just sitting there, in his bed, with his fucking hamburgers, starring at his TV that is paused. Three fucking hours now. Every day we are reminded that Trump is a dumb, dumb man. Historically dumb.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – If ratings don’t improve network executives say they may be forced to cancel The Donald Trump Presidency.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Seeking advice, President Donald Trump has been attempting to call the President from the film Independence Day.

“The President recently saw Independence Day on tv, (Trump) watches a lot of tv, and was impressed by President Whitmore,” said White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

MOSCOW, RUSSIA – Russian President Vladimir Putin says he is excited but still waiting until Christmas Day before opening his gift from United States President Elect Donald Trump.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump spent almost an hour and a half standing in front of a manual paper towel dispenser, waiting for the paper towels to come out automatically.

“Apparently Trump, who let’s face it, is a dumb, dumb man, hasn’t used a manual paper towel dispenser before and was really confused,” said White House custodian Jade Olivera. “He thought it was one of those machines where you wave your hand near it and it spits out a paper towel. At least we know he washed his hands.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has forgotten the code to his briefcase but refuses to admit it to White House staff members.

“I know the combination. I know all the combinations to everything. I am the best at remembering combinations. Everyone thinks so,” said Trump. “There is absolutely nothing going on here, it’s all fake news. All those media outlets, they think they can just make up stuff about me that’s not true and then report as fact.”

WASHINGTON, DC – Sitting on the floor outside the office of the White House Physician, President Donald Trump is refusing to get up and leave until he is given a sucker.

“Right now I can confirm that the President, the most smartest man in the world, and who I thank every day for giving me this opportunity to work for him, he is sitting on the floor outside of the White House Physician’s office, after a very successful visit where the President was given the best health grade possible, um… where was I? Oh yeah, the President is sitting on the floor outside of the physician’s office crying and demanding a sucker,” said White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders.