America Getting Ready to Forgot About Women's Soccer

SEATTLE, WA – As the FIFA Women’s World Cup winds down, Americans all across the country are getting ready to completely forget about women’s soccer.


Study Finds Most Women Do Not Dig Scars

COLUMBIA, SC – A group of sociologists based out of the University of South Carolina have proved, with very large numbers, that women do not, in fact, dig scars.


Trump Would Marry “OK Looking Mexican Broad”

NEW YORK, NY – In an effort to appeal to both women and Hispanic voters, Republican Presidential Nominee, Donald Trump, told a room full of supporters and reporters he would consider marrying “an ok looking Mexican broad.”

“I like broads. And they like me,” said Trump during the campaign stop in Evansville, IN. “I know some women that have said they like me a lot. And those, whatyoucall’em… Mexicans? Yeah, they like me too. I’m huge with them.”


GOP to Deploy Troops, Drones in War on Women

WASHINGTON, DC – After reviewing reports of recent setbacks, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, Reince Priebus, has said he will soon authorize the use of troops and drones in the party’s war on women.

“No single battle has been a catastrophic loss but as these little failures start to pile up… women begin gaining confidence and we simply cannot have that,” said Priebus.


Retailers Release Designer Appliances for Mother’s Day

NEW YORK, NY – Just in time for Mother’s Day, several top designers have come out with new lines of products developed to appeal more to the modern woman.


Senate Approves New Methods For Spying

Washington, DC – The Senate has passed President Bush’s new domestic spying legislation which will allow the National Security Agency more freedom in gathering information – specifically from women ages 18-25.


Jennifer Lawrence Asks to be Removed from Bucket Lists

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Actress Jennifer Lawrence has asked every male on the planet Earth to remove her name from their individual bucket lists.


Study: Women Far More Productive When Not Talking

BATON ROUGE, LA – In a study released last week, the New England Journal of Medicine revealed that women would be capable of accomplishing more both in the home and in the office if they only “kept their mouths shut.”


New Drug Offers Women Faster Orgasms

LINCOLN, NE – A small pharmaceutical company in Nebraska plans to market a new pill which the company reports will allow women to orgasm 97% faster, bringing the female orgasm within minutes of the male. Medi-Drug Pharmaceuticals will release the pill nation wide, pending approval from the FDA, under the name Fasm. The name comes from the combining the words fast and orgasm.


Hollywood Temporary Changs the Way Women are Treated

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Responding to critics and increasing pressure from women’s groups, Hollywood studio executives say they will temporarily change many of the decades long practices with regard to women.


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