SPACE, TIME – A petition has been delivered to Father Time requesting that the end of the world, currently scheduled for 2012, be moved forward.

SEATTLE, WA – As the FIFA Women’s World Cup winds down, Americans all across the country are getting ready to completely forget about women’s soccer.

LOS ANGELES, CA – It has been 17 years since the question was first raised but investigators and the general public are still unsure who let the dogs out.

OMAHA, NE – Sitting in his cubicle, Desktop Information Technology employee Garret Cutler dreams of, and is preparing for, the day when he will be called upon to save the world with his batch file writing skills.

TEMPE, AZ – In a single day, the record for lost virginity in a 24 hour period was shattered at Arizona State University.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an effort to draw more tourists to the nation’s capitol, the Mayor of Washington, D.C., Anthony Williams, has announced plans to open an interactive museum devoted to the city’s most famous product, crack cocaine.

BEIJING, CHINA – After several years of working through scenarios, China says it is strongly considering taking over the world in the next five to 10 years.
“We rook at evy-ting and we rearize tat (China) have evy-ting we need to take over word,” said Ma Zhaoxu, a spokesman for China’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs. “So maybe (China) just do it. Maybe we just take over word. Who stop us? America can not stop us now.”

WASHINGTON D.C. – The cast of popular MTV reality show “Real World: Washington D.C.” decided Thursday to again remove one of its members. The housemates have asked fellow member Pat Buchanan to leave the house on his own or he will be kicked out.

LOUISVILLE, KY – Even though he barely understands the rules and has seen only parts of five different games, local man Fred Neal considers himself a soccer fan.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Shortly after game seven of the 2002 World Series ended, Jesus Christ made it official; he hates the San Francisco Giants. Despite prayers and sacrifices by both players and fans, Christ punished the Giants and was the cause of their failure to beat cross state rivals the Anaheim Angles.